Arachnophobia

I killed another spider in my apartment recently. It was brown and had two tan diamonds on its back. Something about this particular spider really creeped me out. And although I know it's not the dreaded brown recluse – whose home area covers the entire state of Missouri – it was scary just the same. For some reason, because it had those two distinctive markings on its back, I feel that it had more potential to kill me. I know that's insane and irrational, but when dealing with spiders, it's really the only logic I can apply.

So, I decided to try to find a picture of this spider online and figure out exactly what it was. This was possibly the worst idea I've had in a long time. It totally skeezed me out. Spiders are so scary and gross. I hate them. Loathe them. Despise them. Abhor them. They are utterly revolting in every way. And yet, there I was looking at pictures of them and cringing at every single one. Stupid idea. I gave up before I found a picture of the one I was looking for.

The longer I live here, the more I don't like them. I remember the years we lived in South Carolina and having scary spiders all over. But at that point I had two sisters and a mom and a heroic daddy who probably all stepped up and killed them for me. All I had to do was scream and someone else would take care of it.

I no longer have that.

And inside, I'm still the little girl that doesn't like them. Although I don't scream anymore, I still feel like I want to.

I know I've written about this several times. I don't know why I'm so horrified when I see one. But I am. Most flying insects don't bother me. I'm okay with bees and wasps. But pretty much all other bugs… I just don't like them.

In college I took invertebrate physiology – in part because I liked the professor, and in part to overcome some of these fears based on "the grossness factor". It didn't work. I still hate worms. I still hate bugs. I'd still rather eat mollusks and crustaceans than befriend them.

You will never see me on Fear Factor.

I'm still terrified that one day I'll have a poisonous spider in my apartment that kills me. It's really quite an annoying fear that I wish I could just get over. I'm quite sick of it.

Gross gross gross gross gross gross.

Ick.

End Blog.