Saturday, January 28, 2006

When You Wish Upon a Star Your Dreams…

I’ve been having the weirdest dreams lately where really odd things are happening and I refuse to wake up because I can’t imagine what I’ll do next, it just feels so bizarre. And I know it’s a dream but I don’t want to pull myself out of it because I know it’s more interesting than anything else going on.

Tracey’s appeared in two of these dreams. She’s grown and still appropriately older than me, but I really know nothing about her. She’s just there or follows me as I wander about without purpose. We’re doing random things. You know how dreams are… we’re in a hurry but I can’t determine why, we can’t find something, we’re in a maze… stuff like that.

But this morning my dream consisted of us looking at lots of different dogs because I think I wanted to buy one. Dad was there “helping” but providing us with facts and ideas that weren’t helpful in picking one out. For example – there was a big hullabaloo about how I needed a dog who knew how to swim. I didn’t think this was a big deal, but Dad insisted that we toss them in water to find out. And he picked up this big, brown, kinda curly dog, which I still don’t know what breed it was, and threw him in the lake.

And slowly… slowly… the dog just sank. Didn’t even try to swim or struggle, just sank below the water. Tracey and I screamed and made Dad go save him. And when he pulled him out of the water, he told us you could teach them how to swim by nearly drowning them repeatedly. Which he set about doing, rather violently, much to our horror.

And it was super peculiar – not because he was doing it, but for the fact that I didn’t want that dog, so it didn’t matter if it could swim or not. So I watched for awhile, asked him to stop – which he ignored, and then gave up on talking to him. Tracey and I ended up leaving him behind, wandering down this hall (that appeared from nowhere) on our own, and I found that we were in what appeared to be a long abandoned zoo.

The display in front of us was for a polar bear, who had two little baby cubs. It took me a while to find them, but I did. They were sleeping behind a huge pile of dead fish and big, heavy rope. I don’t know why they were there.

And then I realized the glass was missing and took a step forward. And the cubs woke and came to me and I was petting the cutest little polar bear cub, ever. To which I insisted Tracey take a picture, so I could show it to Janelle and tell her how she should have been there.

More happened previous to the weird dog scenario, I think it involved an amusement park and my mom dancing in a blue feathered dress wearing a blue wig and sitting on my father’s shoulders. Wacky strange craziness all around.

I’m not sure what’s going on with my mind. I don’t usually remember my dreams, but when I do, they usually involve water or cars or dogs. It’s nice to know that I still am not letting myself down on that and even managed to combine two of them this time. (That is, a new combination of two. Usually it’s driving along a river. I’ve had that dream a few times.) And if in fact dreams are Freudian and represent things… it’s nice to know that I still continue to have the same issues reoccurring for the past several years. Apparently I’m not growing emotionally. At all.

But, it’s time now that I go to sleep again (after 2am), into that hazy fantastic world of water and driving and dogs.

End Blog.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Disclaimer to the Universe:
Please do not jinx me for finally being optimistic about this job. Thank you.

I’d like to write something overly simple and yet extremely intelligent to tell you what exactly I’m feeling right now, but I find that I’m pretty much incapable of putting together thoughts in a manner that represents the emotions I’m currently having.

I’m nearly certain that I’m going to get this job that I interviewed for back in August. (See, Universe, I said nearly...) Now, while this is good news, there are still a myriad of things that require my attention. Like… giving notice I’m moving out – but on what date? And how exactly will I work that out with my current roommate? And packing my things to move half way across the country. And renting a truck to do so. And coordinating time off with my parents and using them for help... again. Then there’s also getting my car ready for the trip as well. Not to mention my dwindling savings account and how much this will all cost. And how wise it is to continue putting things on my credit card? How quickly will I be able to pay it off?

Then there’s the whole getting a new apartment – and how can I make sure it doesn’t end up like my current apartment? How do I make sure I pick a good place that I can afford and yet still not get anything stolen? I mean, crime is good for the job but not for my personal well-being. And then the whole getting approved financially to live there without the support of my co-signing parents. It seems weird to think of myself as an adult. In my mind I'm so far from adult.

Not to mention Tracey’s upcoming birthday, which always sorta puts me in a funk because it reminds me how she would have been such a great example to follow after – and then reminds me of all the things she didn’t get to do. Like have a first real job. Or drive across the country. Or frickin' go to grad school.

Then there’s my own birthday on its way. I’ll be turning twenty-five. Which seems like a milestone in acquiring responsibility. So, it’s good that I’m most likely getting a job. A real job. With a retirement plan and healthcare benefits. A career. Adult things.

But with all of these things running through my mind, the one that hit me hardest today while thinking about starting to pack up my apartment…

I realized just how far away I’ll be from the place I grew up (I mostly mean college), from the friends I grew around and from the people that understand me most. Sure, I might not see them often (or ever) now, but I knew they were only three hours away. Visits were possible. And I wonder: If I feel isolated now sometimes here in DC, will KC be able to change that, or change me? I’m sure it’s my fault I’d rather stay in than go out, but of course being more financially stable will help remedy some of that. Being poor and broke is seriously limiting - especially in the social life department.

But I’ll miss Thanksgivings in New Jersey, although the possibility of being closer to family and having the money to spend that time where I should be – at home… feels right. The job feels right – an opportunity like none other – doing something I truly believe I’ll love.

To be happy going to work everyday is, I think, something we all strive for and the promise of having that at such a young age… I’m probably ahead of the pack. I know what I want. I’m very close to getting there. It’s just a matter of not letting the loneliness and isolation of an entirely new place get to me. To be able to assimilate myself into a new group and find good, honest friends… and hopefully someday someone to love. And split the rent with. Who likes dogs.

Just a few more obstacles in my way… before I turn twenty-five and start a future that will be the rest of my life. And although I’m scared, I also think I’m incredibly lucky.

It’s an odd feeling to be so hopeful and scared and uncertain about something I’m so sure is the right choice for me. I guess I’m just conflicted about growing up and gaining responsibility.

But, if I’m lucky, I’ll skip the quarter-life crisis that so many of my peers are going through.

End Blog.