Gas Was 88 Cents the Day I Got My License

I have often wished that I had a way to see into the future, limited only to a few days and specifically for the purpose of knowing what the gas prices will be – lest I accidentally ruin something important. (You know how time travel can be tricky like that.)

But, as it turns out, I no longer need such a fancy device. Why, you ask? Because I’ve learned a fundamental truth of the universe.

Gas prices go up on Wednesdays.

So, regardless of the level of your fuel tank on Tuesday night, fill it. You will thank me when you arrive home from work the following day with a relatively full tank of gas and pass a station advertising a fourteen cent price hike for the same product you bought the night before. Fourteen cents!

This plan would not have failed you for the past four weeks. The theory of “The Wednesday Hike” is a very good one, although I have no idea what the oil companies are doing Tuesday nights. (Kegger?)

But, since gas prices are $2.63 here, I thought I’d do a little internet research to make myself feel better. So I looked up what the gas prices are in DC! They range between $2.91 and $3.02 a gallon.

I was right. That did make me feel better.

And for even cheaper gas, we could move to Utah, Wyoming, Idaho or Montana. Or, for some God-unknown reason… New Jersey. Despite the strange laws making it illegal for you to pump your own gas (since 1949), their prices are way cheaper than the surrounding states. You’d think that they would raise prices to help pay for the people they must employ, but obviously this is not a factor involved in pricing.

And, for those of you interested, Oregon has the same full-service program set in place (since 1951), where only gas station professionals can administer fuel into the tank. Although, they don’t have the added advantage of super cheap gas like NJ does.

Some people think these laws should be revised. However, the residents in these states have never pumped their own gas and therefore do not know how. I, for one, don't think we should give them the privilege. Obviously there is some reason the policymakers enacted the law in the first place. You know, like, their states are filled with incompetent morons. (C’mon, don’t be angry, morons encompass the planet. I’m just stating the obvious. At least your lawmakers recognized this fact while the rest of the states elected their morons.)

Can you imagine? I mean… pumping gas is really complicated and hard to learn. They’d have to all take a class and be given demonstrations. The costs would be astronomical. Besides, I don’t think they could handle it. They think they’re too good to pump their own gas now, anyway. They’ve been spoiled. Even if we did teach them, they’d never do it.

In fact, I’ve never heard people from either of these states ever complain about having someone else do it for them. It’s only been whining about doing the actual manual labor themselves when they find they are no longer in their homeland and… oh, would I be a dear and please do it for them?

You can’t really blame them, though. I mean, who really wants to get out of their car on a cold and/or blazing hot day to pump gas when they don’t have to?

The only people that have a problem with this whole “you-can’t-pump-your-own-gas” thing are people from the other 48 states (and probably every other country with cars). Because we think it’s our God-given right to pump gas. Yet, we’d be pissed off if the pizza stopped being delivered or we were bothered with the inconvenience of going into a building instead of the drive thru.

I'm sure New Jersey and Oregon aren't going to apologize for the convenience anytime soon.

Aaaaanyway....

Based on these facts – cheap gas and never having to pump it – New Jersey sounds like a wonderful place.

In theory. =)

End Blog.