Friday, August 08, 2008

Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Beijing

First off, today has a really cool date.

Secondly - I'll be "live blogging" about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, because I still think that they would be the coolest experience EVER, should you take mushrooms or LSD or acid or something, as they are the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. That being said, this isn't really "live" because I mowed my lawn and gave Remy a bath tonight, so it was DVRed. But I AM blogging as I watch. The only other time I've ever done this was for the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.

The buildings are really cool. I think the stadium looks like a toilet bowl, but they are telling me it's a bird's nest... so, I guess we'll go with that. Also, the blue building, which I assume is the aquatics building, is way awesome.

Okay, so they started out with this really cool drum thing. Here's my problem with it: all of these drummers are dudes who look exactly the same. The uniformity might be cool to some people, but I find it irritating. Women can bang drums, too.

President Bush and Vladimir Putin are in the audience talking, instead of paying attention to the ceremony. They are like little school girls who can't stop talking and disrespect their teacher because they think the universe revolves around them... oh, wait...

The scroll painting... is blowing my mind. They're standing on the world's largest LED screen. So, it looks like giant paper that's glowing with different designs and... they are somehow drawing as well. And it can change colors. I want to make my house out of this material and have fun at Christmastime!

Now there are a hundred thousand feather dusters on the stage. Well, they are people but I am sure they dressed up as feather dusters.

So, I finally figured out the theme, which is going through the history of China. They invented paper. And printing. So, there are printing tiles moving about. I really wish I was on acid. Or weed. Or something. Obviously, I know nothing about drugs. By the way, the symbol for harmony is Chinese looks like this: *0

These tiles are moving like waves. Like drops of water on a pond. It's so amazing. I want to be one of the people in these boxes/tiles. I wonder if they can see anything or if they just know they have to stand at a certain time. Maybe they have earphones in like the drummers did and it just beeps at them when they're supposed to move. I'd like to be a part of the opening ceremonies before I die. That would be cool and I'd find out all their secrets. I could totally do it. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an athlete, but being in the opening ceremonies would be awesome. I'd totally drop some acid beforehand, too.

Oh, also, I'd just like to mention that the people in the audience watching this thing are waving around different color things that light up. It looks neat from far away, but when you see the audience up close, it looks like they're waving about glowing dildos. I'm sure China is not pleased with that thought. I bet my blog gets banded in China now.

There's something going on with oars and boats. The music is really great, but I'm not overly impressed. There's a lot of people. That's all I'm really taking away from this. China has a ton of people.

Hehe... Matt Lauer just said, "This is China's coming out party." Heh.

Oh great, now there are lots of women who all look exactly the same representing the dynasty and elegance of this country. They're in costume. Blech. I'm bored.

FIREWORKS! Oh man... commercial. You know, I'm just waiting for some really awesome fireworks. I think they forgot to show that part of China's history. And now they just skipped forward in time a couple hundred years. Shouldn't they just have a really impressive fireworks show? That could be the whole opening. I'd be happy. Speaking of, they did this thing at the beginning with fireworks that showed 29 footprints walking toward the stadium. That was neat. I'd like more of that.

People are dressed in green unitards with lights on them. I want to be one of these people for Halloween this year. Matt Lauer called them "Star Men". Someone get me a star man costume for Halloween.

PS: China invented the kite. I just learned that.

Okay, the screens that people are holding up now are super cool. You can see through them and project something onto them at the same time. People are doing Tai Chi and the energy they control is being depicted by projecting colors on the screens. And the screens on the top of the stadium have a waterfall, which looks real. I really like it. Totally cool.

They've also decided to put 2008 of everything out there to perform. 2008 star men. 2008 Tai Chi masters. Probably 2008 of whomever they stick out there next. That's a lot of people. I'm really impressed with the Tai Chi masters. They are making perfect circles and perfect lines. Any marching band I'm ever seen could probably learn something from them. Except for maybe the Cavaliers...

Okay, so, if I understand this presentation correctly, if we all do a lot of Tai Chi, then we will fix all the environmental problems we have in the world and reach harmony and prosperity. So, get on that, people. Tai Chi it up. China said so.

Three astronauts! They are showing three because China has put three astronauts in space to date. "China has a plan to put people on the moon by 2024." WHAT? We did it in 1969. That's 55 years, China. You think a lot has changed on the moon since then? What are you doing on the moon? But most importantly, can I come?

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE DEATH STAR! Oh, man, the death star turned into the Earth, and then the sun. It would have been cooler if it shot off some laser beams or something.

There are some famous Chinese pop stars or singers or something on top of the Death Star singing. It's... boring. Boo. Maybe the Death Star will blow them up. I don't like it when I have no idea what they're saying. And this chick sings REALLY high. Not a fan. Snooze. Everyone go get a snack now.

Yay! Fireworks!

Overall, pretty great opening ceremonies. Lots of color and lots of light. Totally would have been awesome on drugs. Too bad I don't do those.

End Blog (but not the last of the Olympics blogs, by far).

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