Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Escape from Certain Death

It was really nice out yesterday when I got home from work. Kinda cool, but not cold, and sunny. I thought that it was prefect weather to cut my lawn and hoped that it might be the last time this season. The grass was kinda high and ugly and had gone to seed, and as I was mowing, like 5 other people in the neighborhood had the same idea.

I finished the front yard and was hoping that I had enough gas to finish the back, but only a few passes into the backyard and the mower died. So, I went to the gas station and got some more, came back, and continued mowing.

When I had about 1/3 of the back yard yet to finish, I was trying to get this really big weed along the fence out of the ground, and I felt this sharp pain on my right hip. I thought maybe something small shot out of the mower and hit me, even though it would have been a ridiculous angle to do so. Then I felt another sharp pain on my left ankle. My next thought was that there was some sort of thorn or something that I had picked up while trying to tame the jungle along my side fence. I looked at my ankle and didn't see anything hostile.

My hip was still hurting though, so I looked at it again and rubbed it. As I did, I saw a yellowjacket, pulled my hand back, and let's not sugar coat it... I panicked. I know that yellowjackets are evil, so I was scared. The devil's minion was out to get me. I know this because yellowjackets 1) are evil, 2) can sting more than once, 3) release pheromones calling their buddies to attack you as well, and 4) I wasn't sure if I was allergic to them or not. I've only been stung one other time by a giant wasp in high school, and I know that sometimes you don't develop allergies until after you've been stung.

This picture is so creepy!

So, I felt that panicking was an appropriate reaction. All of those things ran through my mind in a split second and I knew I had to get out of there or face the wrath of 9 million other angry yellowjackets.

So, because I'm smart, I had left the back door locked, and therefore had to sprint all the way around my house to the front door. I was flailing my arms and hoping that the yellowjacket I saw was not tangled up in the shirt I was wearing, and 9 million other yellowjackets were not following me. (I've seen My Girl, I know how this could end.) I got inside and headed to the bathroom to assess the damage. I'd been stung through my clothing.

I looked at my hip and ankle and saw them starting to swell around the sting sites. I was on my way to get some ice when I realized that I had spots on my inner thighs that were also very painful. Was I stung more than twice outside? Did I just get stung again?

You thought I panicked before!

The first thought I had was, "There's a yellowjacket inside my shorts!" I immediately ripped them from my body, along with my underwear (because who the hell knows where the yellowjacket is!) and threw them across the floor. Remy was excited by my actions and I said to her, "I'm so scared of my pants!" It was kind of pathetic, but in retrospect funny, so I thought I would share.

I ran into my room and put new underwear on, because I didn't want to run around my house with bee stings AND no underwear. It's one or the other - not both. You just can't do both. Plus, if I was about to go to the hospital because of anaphylactic shock, at least they would be clean.

Then, avoiding my pants of death which likely contained a living yellowjacket, I got some ice and tended to the swelling. In all, I managed to get five - count them, FIVE - bee stings. Luckily about this time, Carolyn called me, and foregoing whatever it was that she wanted to talk about, I asked her to be the best person in the world and go buy and bring me Benadryl so that I wouldn't die. She kindly obliged. I suppose that's bad timing on her part, eh? "Oh, and, while you're out doing that, could you pick up a gallon of milk for me?" (I was planning on going out for one later, but I knew this had pretty much done me in for the night.)

She also bought me a box of cereal to go with my milk, which I didn't ask for. It was kind of her, except for the fact that she obviously just did it to MOCK me. The cereal she bought was Honey Nut Cheerios.

She bought me BEE cereal! I could have been dying while waiting on her Benadryl delivery!

She claims that it was unintentional, which is sad because it's probably the most hilarious thing anyone has ever done to me. So, I had cereal for dinner, which was nice because I didn't have to cook or worry about what to eat at all. And... really... hil-aaaa-rious!

Meanwhile, I'm still afraid of my pants of death and to finish mowing the last of my yard.

It didn't help that Belinda told me a story about her dogs being attacked by yellowjackets who had an underground nest in her old yard.

Even covering everything and then mowing isn't a good idea because it stung me through my clothes! Or, quite possibly was somehow inside them. I'm still not sure how it happened.

The Benadryl knocked me out though (I took only one) and I slept from 8:30pm to 7:00am. And even though it was ten and a half hours of sleep, it was drug induced and I didn't really feel that well rested this morning.

The added bonus is that the stings still hurt a wee bit and now have become super itchy.

Bee venom, I hate you... Yellowjackets, I hate you more. I always thought people that ran away from them were crazy, that if you didn't bother them, they wouldn't hurt you. I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to turn into one of "those" people after this.

Five times!!

End Blog.


Mom said...

Wow, I would really feel sympathy for you if you didn't make all your escapades so damn funny. And Carolyn's cereal choice? Bwah!! You can't make this stuff up.
I'll bet shovelling snow is looking pretty good right now. =)

big sis said...

Well at least you didn't need to go to the hospital in anaphylactic shock or need to jam an epi pen in your leg. I'm too lazy (or busy, not sure which one) to blog, but I had a nice hand crushing incident not too long ago where a car bounced on my hand. No broken bones, but I got a cool hand Xray for my trouble. We Blackwell women are having great months. Look out Mom.

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