Thursday, July 13, 2006

Spreading the LJ Interview Fun

01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to these questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Questions from Emmmitt:

1) You find out you are a potential slayer in the Buffy verse (end of season 7). You get your super powers, how does your life change?

First, I thank god I'm a hot chick with superpowers. Then I quit my job, move to Ohio, and join the harem of other potentials I'm sure are conglomerating there. Suddenly physically agile, I enjoy training and become proficient in using all sorts of weapons like crossbows and shiny axes. (Hot!) In my down time when I'm not vamp hunting on the Hellmouth, I befriend Willow, personally thank her, and slowly woo her into leaving Kennedy.

2) Someone offers you a brand new Ford Mustang, the catch is that whenever you drive it you have to be completely naked. Do you take the car, how often do you drive it? Leather or cloth seats?

I take the car, but only if it's black, blue, or light green, has cloth seats, isn't a convertable, and I don't have to pay the insurance on it. Then, I tint the windows to an illegal darkness. If I get pulled over for it, at least I'm at an advantage to the cop – coming upon a random naked person can fluster some. Although, walking up to the darkly tinted windows, firearms may be drawn, so I'll be sure to roll down my window once I'm safely stopped. I'll drive it nights and weekends (unless I'm pulled over too often and actually have to pay the fines because the cops don't appreciate the nakedness). I'd also get a vanity plate that says "IMNUDE" and shave my legs more often. Of course, this is only if you let me wear shoes. I need shoes to drive.

3) Through the glory that is the internet you find a way to get paid to watch TV and eat snack food. No one passes up this job. But they will take your internet connection away. Do you take this job? Does anyone ever hear from you again?

I don't know that I could actually take this job with that stipulation. If I had to choose one, I'd rather keep the internet – as you can download television from it. Although, getting paid to do nothing is my dream job. But, no, I couldn't live without the internet. What a painful question. I hate you for making me choose.

4) Madonna is auctioning off a one time show in a person's home. How long do you stick around bidding on this, how far would you go?

Knowing full well I'd never be able to afford it, I don't bid at all. But I talk about it incessantly for days and weeks on end. A close friend or coworker finally snaps and kills me just to shut me up. I request Madonna to be played at my memorial service and a Dr Pepper can to be placed next to a wonderfully photoshopped version of myself in a life-sized portrait.

5) CSI is starting a new show and actually wants the science to be right, they hire you to help out, since you are young, hip and have experience. You have to move to LA. And you will be working insane hours (12 or so a day, 6 days a week while filming (24 weeks over 10 months) for only reasonable money. Do you take the job?

(The longest explanation, ever, follows. This was the worst question you could have asked me.)

Yes, I take the job (I live in a crap apartment I hardly see and eat everything I can from craft services). Then I completely takeover the creative identity of the show and overhaul it. (In fact, I'd like the show to be rated TV MA and move to late at night so we can show more horrible things. It's crime people, it's not pretty like you think.) It will be reformatted in style and the CSI's job description will change drastically. Criminalists will be included as characters. In order to keep the number of people to a minimum, there'll be 1-2 specialists from each section – CSI, firearms, fingerprint, trace, DNA, chemistry, the prosecutor's office, and police.

At the beginning, we'll never show the crime actually occurring, or who the suspects or victims are. The audience will be in the dark along with the investigators. No one will know what happened at a scene when they arrive – the show should be all about knowing how to approach the scene and the reconstruction of events. Different pieces of information will filter in from each section of the lab after analysis (in any order) for each case being worked. Crimes will not be solved in a day and cases from several years ago will still be open and being worked.

The audience will see more stupid criminals making statements like, "I never had sex with that girl. But if I did, it was completely consensual. I know what a big deal this investigation is so I wouldn't lie; I just got outta incarceration on a rape charge last year." These statements will only be made to police officers, never to CSIs or criminalists. Criminalists will later read these statements in case reports and laugh with each other over cubicle walls.

The series will also show CSIs taking proper photographs and measurements with actual tape measures (have you ever seen this?). They'll make diagrams. They will never package anything in plastic, unless it's something valuable like money or jewelry. Likewise, money will not be packaged in manila envelopes, ever.

We will show scenes in dilapidated houses that are completely filthy and gross. They'll process cars that have trash in them from 1998. Crime scenes will not be pretty. Dead bodies will have maggots and flies. But, we'll also go to boring old burglary scenes. They'll have less fancy equipment and complain about budget, training, and lab accreditation. I'll make sure it's known that not everyone is qualified to do every kind of analysis. Some things will not be able to happen in-house and will be outsourced elsewhere.

Not every sample will go to DNA and the DNA turn around time will never be within a few hours. That's impossible. The AFIS system will never make a positive match. A mugshot will never show up with an AFIS hit. There won't be a machine that you can put a sample in, push a button, and get a read-out of what said sample is. Analysts will not know every component of shoe polish or any other random substance.

No one will carry a gun unless they are a police officer. And no one will have a shady past because everyone had to pass a background investigation and polygraph test to get the job in the first place. The characters will be funnier, with a really dark sense of humor.

We'll show processing of dead bodies at the morgue before the autopsy. (It's not always all about cause of death.) When they talk about seeing something under a microscope, the TV will actually show the proper image of what said substance looks like. Luminol will only glow in complete darkness. The science geeks won't sit around explaining things to each other because why in the world would they tell each other stuff they both already know? If explanation is needed, it will be to police officers or lawyers without a scientific background. They will never call something blood after performing a presumptive test because of worries about legal ramifications and the wording of everything they report.

They'll do a few cross-over shows with the many Law & Orders as expert witnesses. They'll have mis-trials every once in a while. Obviously guilty people will get off because juries are dumb. Plea agreements will be made. Expert witnesses will get banned from saying the word "victim" on the stand because it's too prejudicial to the defendant and there's a wacky judge ruling the case. The police, CSIs, lab personnel, and lawyers will not peacefully coexist. A wonderfully horrible love/hate relationship will emerge somewhere along the way between individuals from these groups. You'll need a hatchet for the sexual tension.

Inevitably, ratings will drop and the show will tank within a year. I'll go back to my old job, thankfully.

A few fans will honestly love my direction and buy the show's one and only season on DVD, then create fan forums about the show and its characters. The two most attractive and slashable people will have a cult fan fic following. I will read it and curse the public for not knowing good TV when it comes around.

End Blog.


Anonymous said...

give me back questions.


Lil'motherf*cker said...

Oh, what the hell... go for it.

And, poor Kennedy. I better comfort her.

Nikki said...

TM - For you.

1. It's the apocalypse and you find that nearly the whole world is dead, including you. When you meet Satan after standing in a very long line to get into Hell, you're fatigued, hungry, and very sweaty hot. Because Hell has suddenly become more populous, Satan gives you a choice of where you'll be spending eternity. You must choose between: a) Never eating any animal products ever again, b) sitting in traffic without good music, a companion to pass the time, or a cell phone to reach anyone else - in 110 degree heat without A/C, or c) moving for eternity. Packing, moving boxes, and unpacking – just to pack and move again.

2. While bored at work, you come up with a guaranteed money making scheme doing which of the following: a) your own diet plan (special food, books, etc.) that horribly misinforms the public, like Atkins. They eat it up – literally, and provide you with big bucks, b) you use a computer program much like that in Office Space to steal from any large corporation of your choice, or c) you invent a new alternative alcoholic energy drink that's highly addictive because it also contains trace amounts of nicotine, morphine, THC, and amphetamines.

3. You wake up one morning with the uncontrollable burning desire to help humanity. Which issue do you choose to tackle and how? (Famine, deforestation, crime, racism, pollution, Scientology, etc.)

4. You win the lottery and with your newfound riches, you're finally in league to become a superhero. What's your name? What does your costume look like? Where does your alter ego work? Who is your nemesis?

5. George Steinbrenner keels over from a heart attack. In his will, much to everyone's surprise, he leaves you the New York Yankees. What do you do now that you own the team?

Nikki said...

B - For You:

1. You're given the chance to become any fictional character (film, television, books). Who do you choose to be and why?

2. You're given one superpower of your choice. What is it? Which do you now become - a hero or a villain? Explain.

3. Playboy offers you 50 million dollars for their "Real Women" issue. Do you take the job? If yes, describe what your three photos (one's a centerfold) would be. If no, you become mentally unstable with regret for not taking the money. You're eventually institutionalized with what mental disorder?

4. You wake up one morning and realize it's the summer before college and you have to start all over. What do you change knowing what you know now?

5. You become psychic and determine with 100% accuracy that the world is ending at the end of the month. The rest of the world has no idea of this impending doom. What do you do with the last two weeks of your life? Do you tell anyone about the coming apocalypse?