Tuesday, July 18 - Wednesday, July 19: Chicago

Tuesday evening I went to dinner at the oldest Italian restaurant in Chicago called The Italian Village. The food was really good. I ended up getting pasta stuffed with pheasant. But, anyway, I went with a girl from class who just started working at the Little Rock Crime Lab at the beginning of this year. She's also in trace and so we bonded and sort of talked shop over dinner. Which was cool because I've never had a chance to do that before. Overall, it was a really great evening. And now I have a contact in Arkansas, should I ever need one for some reason.

Oh, I almost forgot… While we were eating I had a transgendered woman come up to me and ask me where I got my shirt – because she wanted one as well. Because it's perfect for "girls like us." The shirt? My navy one that reads "Objects under shirt are larger than they appear." So, basically, I could formerly be a man with this body of mine. At least, that's all I really took away from that encounter. Oh, and for everyone else – I got in NJ at a place called Gadzooks.

When I got back to my room that evening I saw fireworks going off from Grant Park from my window. They were very big and pretty. Ooo, ahh…

Wednesday, well, Wednesday was the day I'd been waiting for since I got there. Wednesday I got to go see Wicked. I walked north and waited for them to open the doors to the Ford Theater. After I was inside – and waiting for them to open another set of doors – I found myself at a small counter where I could buy lovely wickedly overpriced merchandise. So… I bought a shirt. It's grey with black short sleeves and it says "Defy Gravity" on the front and "Wicked" on the back. It's so pretty. I love my new shirt. And really, what a great little saying. It's so applicable to many things.

The doors finally open and I find my seat… in the third to the last row against the wall. I sat down and kinda wished I had my li'l binoculars that I bought for the Madonna concert back in 2001. I should have planned better… alas. The theater is packed. I'm pretty sure there isn't an empty seat in the house, so I'm super happy that I got mine – even if it's way up in the rafters. The other slight downfall is that there are a hundred million young kids there and each and every one of them is texting someone on their cell phone.

I assume that when the play starts, these phones will be tucked away and not seen until the end. Well… you know what happens when you assume. The worst part about this play were the girls sitting directly in front of me and to my left. While the lights were out and the show was on, these damn girls didn't put their phones away. They didn't make a sound, but they lit up and threw an incredible glare as I was trying to watch the stage. I think it should be completely legal to murder these people.

Obviously I'm now old. I don't understand how texting could be so important and thrilling to do WHILE YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING WICKED. And if they're talking about the play… dude, take mental notes and blog about it later or something. They didn't ruin the experience, but I can guarantee that it would have been better without them. Reason 976 why I'm never having children. Although, mine would be more polite.

Now that I'm done ranting… let's talk about this, the most fabulous musical known to humankind. If you'd rather not know anything about the play, you should stop reading here.

I was sorta surprised at how little dialogue there was between the first three songs. I mean, there like, isn't hardly any. It starts off with a bang. And I loved the staging of the man in the green jacket and how we never see his face. Brilliant.

I also enjoyed the adaptations from the book, and how we see that Elphaba has great powers she doesn't know how to control when she's upset. It was a good way to advance the story quickly and give reason as to why Madame Morrible singles her out so quickly.

Then… we get "What is This Feeling?" I couldn't stop grinning the minute it started. And I liked the slight differences in interpretation we got from the different actresses versus the original Broadway cast recording. It was great how they made it their own. Elphaba was way funnier than I expected her to be. Galinda didn't let me down. In fact, at one point I felt like Reese Witherspoon – as Elle Woods – was playing Galinda. (Which if you know me, you understand what a great compliment this is.)

Professor Dillamond was lovely, but I was highly upset that he was a history (Yuck!) teacher instead of a biology (Yay!) teacher like he was supposed to be. Fiyero was hot (of course, it could have been the distance). I absolutely loved the guy playing him (Kristoffer Cusick).

"Popular" also did not let me down and I had high expectations going into this. (Although Galinda's jumping around so much she gets really out of breath.) Also, some of the sets were really cool and nothing like I'd imagined. They made it rain at one point without any actual water, but it totally looked like it. I was impressed. Again, the play is funnier than I expected.

Then when Kristy Cates sang "Defying Gravity", I was completely floored. It must be one of her favorite songs to sing or something because she put more into that performance than any other. And immediately I was so happy that was the shirt I decided to buy. That song was freakin' amazing. I wished I could have like… clapped louder at the end of it.

I also liked how Glinda didn't tell Fiyero he was attending his own engagement party. He was completely in the dark… and it totally made sense as to why he ran off in the middle of it now. The soundtrack always had left me with a few vague holes since it was missing dialogue.

Elphaba and Fiyero's song together was adorable, but her song with Glinda at the end ("For Good") totally made me cry. I couldn't give a higher review. If you could only see one play or musical in your entire life, it should be this one.

The best scene? That would be between Glinda and Elphaba right after Nessarose has a house dropped on her by a tornado that Madame Morrible created (Weather is her specialty. She stops the rain earlier in the play, foreshadowing this moment.) You can tell they really are two best friends.

They got a standing O at the end of the night – which you knew they'd be getting by the fourth song. It was amazing.

I love that Elphaba's so misunderstood by everyone and known in our world as the Wicked Witch of the West and green and scary to all children. I never liked her in the Wizard of Oz, she was creepy, and the laugh! *shudders* And then you see the story of her life… and realize that the Wizard and Morrible set her up. And Glinda had ambitions that blinded her to what was going on. All Elphaba was doing was trying to make good and protect those people who mean a great deal to her, including others who are outsiders. Elphalba's a hero – and it's especially great for those of us who sometimes feel like we're on the outskirts of society, or misunderstood, or were never popular. And circumstances beyond her control caused all the rest…

I liked the adaptations from the book. They did a phenomenal job. Every writer, director, actor, set designer, music arranger and performer… every stage hand and lighting person and… I couldn't say enough good things. If you have the opportunity – GO SEE WICKED.

But, this is long (sorry) and now I must go grab Erin from the airport. The rest of the stay in the windy city was pretty uneventful… when I get the time, I'll do a little recap of all the rest.

'Til then.

End Blog.

The Job

So, remember how I went to crime scene school so I could be put on this special list that lets me go out and actually work crime scenes? Yeah, well, I hit the top of the list today and was called out to the police garage to process a car that was towed there.

Woo! My very first "crime scene".

Exciting. I love my job. Have I mentioned that recently?

(Shhh, we're currently ignoring all the newfound paperwork I have to do involving the grant I've started working on and how I have to give all my cases away. People should really just give us money to solve crimes and trust that we're doing our jobs. Putting restrictions on what you can do kinda sucks a bit. I'm still slightly bitter about my co-worker quitting, although everyone else at the lab has been super nice and highly supportive. I suppose I'm not a very good person. But, You, Dear Reader, knowing me so well, probably already knew that.)

=)

End Blog.

More Randomness For Your (My) Amusement

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Your 2005 Song Is:

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

End Blog.

This Still Isn't About Chicago

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

End Blog.

Neighbors

Neat! I just met the people that live in 302. They moved in recently and thought that they'd go meet their neighbors. They seemed like nice people. I suppose that's a good thing to have around.

They brought me some trail mix that they made. And if they haven't poisoned me with it, you'll probably see a post from me again.

End Blog.

Sunday 16 - Monday 17, July 2006: Chicago

Sunday night after arriving at the hotel I unpacked my things so I wasn't living out of a suitcase like I usually do on trips. It was actually kind of pleasant. Also, I sorta had to so that the nice clothes weren't all wrinkled. I stayed in my room until after 8 and then decided I was hungry. So, I took to the streets and wandered upon a Bennigan's. I ate there, walked back, and went to sleep.

The bed was much harder than I'm used to. I missed the sleep number a lot. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well. Also, there was lots of street noise – honking horns, screeching tires, the el train. Sleep could have been better.

Anyway, the next morning I wake up with plenty of time to get ready and am sucked into watching the news on the conflict between Lebanon and Israel. Then I realize my shuttle to class is leaving in 5 minutes, so I go to catch the elevator.

I wait and wait and wait… still no elevator. So, I think to myself… "Self, this is ridiculous. Why don't you just take the stairs?" So, I turn to the stairwell and run down the narrow seven flights only to find a door that's only an emergency exit where an alarm will sound if I use it. So, I go back up a flight in confusion. The second floor looks like it's all conference rooms and completely deserted. In fact, I can't even find an elevator on that floor other than one labeled "Service Elevator". So, I go up one more floor. And wait for the damn elevator. At this point I know I'm already late. The shuttle must have left by now.

While waiting on the third floor for the elevator so that I can find my way to the lobby, I see a maintenance guy and ask him if there are stairs that lead to the lobby. He points me to the stairs at the other end of the hall. I should have thought of that. Another set of stairs! So, I head down that way and finally make my way to the lobby, 10 minutes after I had started the journey.

The shuttle to class has gone.

So, I walk next door to the Hilton and steal one of their cabs since they were all nicely lined up out there and none were coming over to my hotel. The cab driver missed the building and circled the block, even though I told him I'd just walk and was in a hurry. Whatever. I just made it there in the nick of time. It just cost me an extra $10.

After class I decided I'd take a walk up to Millennium Park and take some pictures, do some other sightseeing things. I watched a bunch of people playing in the fountains and then heard music coming from the park. I went over and watched this orchestra rehearse for a while. They were playing a song I played in high school. I don't remember what it was called, but I remember playing it.

Then I watched some radical Christians protesting homosexuality. The Gay Games were in town and Millennium Park was the sight of some of their events. In fact, I think they were the participants in the rehearsal I was watching. Anyway, the religious folk were walking around with their signs telling people to repent, that marriage was defined as a union between man and woman, and then there were people who were "ex-homosexuals" who were "saved" by the Bible. I was leaning against a wall watching the interactions between the two sides and waiting for an opportunity to take a picture of one of the signs so that you could read it, when a woman from the other side of the group took a picture of her own and saw me trying to do the same. I eventually got mine and she came up to me asking if I had gotten it. I said yes and nodded, she smiled and winked, and made her way into the grassy area where the rehearsal was taking place.

I kept on walking north and found myself on the Magnificent Mile. Lots of high end shopping to be had. Not that I was really interested in it. But it was pretty and there was lots of traffic in that part of town. I took a picture of Oprah's "All suite Omni Hotel located in the heart of the Magnificent Mile."

Then I set out to find dinner. I found what seemed to be a family owned Indian place called Gaylords and ate there. I've never had Indian food prior to this. But I figured, hey, it's Chicago, I'm on my own, I might as well try something new. I asked my waiter for a suggestion and he ordered some sort of mixed grill kind of thing so I had a few things to try. The food wasn't bad, but I think that I'm probably not an Indian type of food person. I think I'd rather eat Thai or Chinese if I had to pick something from that side of the world.

Then I walked around some more – all the way over to Navy Pier. Took more pictures. By this time the sun was setting… so either I got really pretty pictures of the sunset and the city, or I got a whole bunch of under exposed photos. I guess we'll find out if I ever get them developed. (I was using my mom's old camera as my digital one has pretty much died on me.) I also took pictures of the Ferris wheel and all that fun stuff, although I didn't actually do anything but walk around out there by the water. Lake Michigan is bluer than I thought it would be. And it's so big it looks like the ocean – except without the waves like the Gulf of Mexico. Pretty impressive.

Then there was more walking. Walking walking walking. Have I mentioned the oppressive heat and humidity? It's very hot. And humid. And I'm walking over four miles. I also kinda missed my cross street on the way back and overshot going west by about four blocks. Oops. I found a CVS and bought two bottles of Dr Pepper, missing Kansas City where you can order it in every restaurant.

I found the Chicago Theater, you know, the one with the big, famous sign? But the lights were out on it and it was really dark, so I couldn't take a picture. But I saw it. I also saw the ABC News 7 studio. They have these giant glass windows that look right in on the anchor desk. It's like, window, cameras, anchor desk. I'd never be able to do the news while watching people on the street like that. Especially if they're like… pounding on the glass or jumping around in front of it.

Anyway… I finally make it back to the hotel, completely exhausted and hot. I figure at least I'll sleep well since I'm so exhausted. But, it was fun until the last 5 blocks, even if I was by myself. (I found that people were great in class but not all that social outside of it.) So, I make a plan to not miss the shuttle to class again. It involves using the proper stairs and giving myself over ten minutes to go down seven floors, which I feel is quite excessive.

Still more to come on the Chicago front, like that awesomeness that was Wicked. That's enough for now though, this was way long… (And I think it changed tense a whole lot.)

'Til then -

End Blog.

I Made This!

These were all made on the last day of the PLM class at the McCrone Research Institute in Chicago. We were recrystalizing substances, looking at polymorphisms, and doing mixed fusion reactions. I decided that some of the images I was seeing needed to be captured for eternity. Where as others decided to take pictures of their recrystalized cocaine and TNT, I went for some of the other, prettier images. These three impressed me the most:



This is a photomicrograph of DDT under crossed polars at 200 times magnification. I grew these crystals myself! Ooooo, pretty.




This is mercuric iodide. It has two stable polymorphs at room temperature - both pictured here in normal transmitted light.




And this would be Benzotriazole, also 200x, crossed poles. You're looking at the birefringence, or difference in refrative indices, that's somewhere in the 3rd to 4th order.

Microscopy is fun!

~More to come on the trip to Chicago. I'll not bore you with all the ejamucation I just received. Although, I'm like 12 times smarter than I was when I left.

End Blog.

Chicken in a Car and a Car Won't Go...

That's how you spell Chicago.

I learned that little rhyme from my grandfather. (Not that it really rhymes or anything.) I suspect this is why I'm such a bad speller.

I also remember siging a song with him when I was little to the tune of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" that went:

Take a ride in the car, car
Take a ride in the car, car
Take a ride in the car, caaaaaar
Take a ride in the car. (Inventive, I know)

Then, for the next verse you just hum and buzz your lips like a motor boat. It was incredibly fun when you were a kid. You also got a horsey ride on his knee.

Aaaaanyway... the point of this post is to say that I'll be out of town in Chicago until the evening of the 21st. And that, you'll have to live without me until then, as I doubt I'll have internet access unless I go actively seek it out somewhere... which I'm not that likely to do.

I'll share what happens when I get back. And maybe review Wicked. Or, you know, something.

'Til then.

End Blog.

Organs

So, I saw Pirate's Dead Man's Chest last night and through the eternally long movie kept thinking about how organ music is creepy. Villians play them, they're the main soundtrack to horror movies... and then... you have them in church.

Coincidence? I think not. Churches are creepy too, when you think about it.

Anyway, the movie was too long if I start having thoughts like this. Just, FYI, movie people.

Oh, and just so Superman Returns doesn't feel left out, I kept thinking about that damn pool table on the boat. Who would ever think that's a good idea? It plagued me a lot.


End Blog.

Spreading the LJ Interview Fun

INSTRUCTIONS:
01. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
02. I respond by asking you five questions of a very intimate and creepily personal nature. Or not so creepy/personal.
03. You WILL update your LJ with the answers to these questions.
04. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
05. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Questions from Emmmitt:

1) You find out you are a potential slayer in the Buffy verse (end of season 7). You get your super powers, how does your life change?

First, I thank god I'm a hot chick with superpowers. Then I quit my job, move to Ohio, and join the harem of other potentials I'm sure are conglomerating there. Suddenly physically agile, I enjoy training and become proficient in using all sorts of weapons like crossbows and shiny axes. (Hot!) In my down time when I'm not vamp hunting on the Hellmouth, I befriend Willow, personally thank her, and slowly woo her into leaving Kennedy.

2) Someone offers you a brand new Ford Mustang, the catch is that whenever you drive it you have to be completely naked. Do you take the car, how often do you drive it? Leather or cloth seats?

I take the car, but only if it's black, blue, or light green, has cloth seats, isn't a convertable, and I don't have to pay the insurance on it. Then, I tint the windows to an illegal darkness. If I get pulled over for it, at least I'm at an advantage to the cop – coming upon a random naked person can fluster some. Although, walking up to the darkly tinted windows, firearms may be drawn, so I'll be sure to roll down my window once I'm safely stopped. I'll drive it nights and weekends (unless I'm pulled over too often and actually have to pay the fines because the cops don't appreciate the nakedness). I'd also get a vanity plate that says "IMNUDE" and shave my legs more often. Of course, this is only if you let me wear shoes. I need shoes to drive.


3) Through the glory that is the internet you find a way to get paid to watch TV and eat snack food. No one passes up this job. But they will take your internet connection away. Do you take this job? Does anyone ever hear from you again?

I don't know that I could actually take this job with that stipulation. If I had to choose one, I'd rather keep the internet – as you can download television from it. Although, getting paid to do nothing is my dream job. But, no, I couldn't live without the internet. What a painful question. I hate you for making me choose.

4) Madonna is auctioning off a one time show in a person's home. How long do you stick around bidding on this, how far would you go?

Knowing full well I'd never be able to afford it, I don't bid at all. But I talk about it incessantly for days and weeks on end. A close friend or coworker finally snaps and kills me just to shut me up. I request Madonna to be played at my memorial service and a Dr Pepper can to be placed next to a wonderfully photoshopped version of myself in a life-sized portrait.

5) CSI is starting a new show and actually wants the science to be right, they hire you to help out, since you are young, hip and have experience. You have to move to LA. And you will be working insane hours (12 or so a day, 6 days a week while filming (24 weeks over 10 months) for only reasonable money. Do you take the job?

(The longest explanation, ever, follows. This was the worst question you could have asked me.)

Yes, I take the job (I live in a crap apartment I hardly see and eat everything I can from craft services). Then I completely takeover the creative identity of the show and overhaul it. (In fact, I'd like the show to be rated TV MA and move to late at night so we can show more horrible things. It's crime people, it's not pretty like you think.) It will be reformatted in style and the CSI's job description will change drastically. Criminalists will be included as characters. In order to keep the number of people to a minimum, there'll be 1-2 specialists from each section – CSI, firearms, fingerprint, trace, DNA, chemistry, the prosecutor's office, and police.

At the beginning, we'll never show the crime actually occurring, or who the suspects or victims are. The audience will be in the dark along with the investigators. No one will know what happened at a scene when they arrive – the show should be all about knowing how to approach the scene and the reconstruction of events. Different pieces of information will filter in from each section of the lab after analysis (in any order) for each case being worked. Crimes will not be solved in a day and cases from several years ago will still be open and being worked.

The audience will see more stupid criminals making statements like, "I never had sex with that girl. But if I did, it was completely consensual. I know what a big deal this investigation is so I wouldn't lie; I just got outta incarceration on a rape charge last year." These statements will only be made to police officers, never to CSIs or criminalists. Criminalists will later read these statements in case reports and laugh with each other over cubicle walls.

The series will also show CSIs taking proper photographs and measurements with actual tape measures (have you ever seen this?). They'll make diagrams. They will never package anything in plastic, unless it's something valuable like money or jewelry. Likewise, money will not be packaged in manila envelopes, ever.

We will show scenes in dilapidated houses that are completely filthy and gross. They'll process cars that have trash in them from 1998. Crime scenes will not be pretty. Dead bodies will have maggots and flies. But, we'll also go to boring old burglary scenes. They'll have less fancy equipment and complain about budget, training, and lab accreditation. I'll make sure it's known that not everyone is qualified to do every kind of analysis. Some things will not be able to happen in-house and will be outsourced elsewhere.

Not every sample will go to DNA and the DNA turn around time will never be within a few hours. That's impossible. The AFIS system will never make a positive match. A mugshot will never show up with an AFIS hit. There won't be a machine that you can put a sample in, push a button, and get a read-out of what said sample is. Analysts will not know every component of shoe polish or any other random substance.

No one will carry a gun unless they are a police officer. And no one will have a shady past because everyone had to pass a background investigation and polygraph test to get the job in the first place. The characters will be funnier, with a really dark sense of humor.

We'll show processing of dead bodies at the morgue before the autopsy. (It's not always all about cause of death.) When they talk about seeing something under a microscope, the TV will actually show the proper image of what said substance looks like. Luminol will only glow in complete darkness. The science geeks won't sit around explaining things to each other because why in the world would they tell each other stuff they both already know? If explanation is needed, it will be to police officers or lawyers without a scientific background. They will never call something blood after performing a presumptive test because of worries about legal ramifications and the wording of everything they report.

They'll do a few cross-over shows with the many Law & Orders as expert witnesses. They'll have mis-trials every once in a while. Obviously guilty people will get off because juries are dumb. Plea agreements will be made. Expert witnesses will get banned from saying the word "victim" on the stand because it's too prejudicial to the defendant and there's a wacky judge ruling the case. The police, CSIs, lab personnel, and lawyers will not peacefully coexist. A wonderfully horrible love/hate relationship will emerge somewhere along the way between individuals from these groups. You'll need a hatchet for the sexual tension.

Inevitably, ratings will drop and the show will tank within a year. I'll go back to my old job, thankfully.

A few fans will honestly love my direction and buy the show's one and only season on DVD, then create fan forums about the show and its characters. The two most attractive and slashable people will have a cult fan fic following. I will read it and curse the public for not knowing good TV when it comes around.

End Blog.

Wicked Awesome!

So, I've decided to take advantage of the fact that the KCPD is sending me to Chicago for a week and I bought a ticket to go see Wicked at The Ford Center Oriental Theater. I'm psyched. Not only to see the play but because I was actually proactive in (a) spending money on something I want and (b) doing something in a strange city on my own and not staying in the hotel room alone. And... it's Wicked! Very cool. Can't wait.

I think I've pretty much learned the basics of the polarized light microscope the past two days at work. I feel that my boss has prepared me well and that the class isn't going to be nearly as intimidating as I initially thought. (Really, you should see how many gadgets this one microscope has.)

I'm ready to go enjoy a new city - because we all know that Nikki enjoys visiting cities and living well outside of them. It should be a good trip. Plus, I've never been to Chicago, so I've got some sightseeing to do. You know, like Millennium Park, Navy Pier, the Hancock Building... stuff like that. (You know, there are things in DC I never got around to doing. But mostly, I really wish I had gotten to the Holocaust Museum before I left.)

I'm also hoping that there's someone friendly and like-minded in the class that I can hang out with since I have three other nights to fill. (With said things above.)

And I get to write off things (well, mostly food) on an expense report! I'm still kinda shocked at having a real job that is providing me with this opportunity. *Hugs the KCPCL*

I heart my job.

End Blog.

Locked Out

I picked up my new front door key this evening when I came home from work – as I was locked out of my apartment. Or, so I thought.

Turns out that my old key still opens my back door. So, I'm not really sure what the whole point was. I suppose the people taking over the apt complex wanted to know that they had a master key for every door, whereas I thought it was a security issue.

Guess not.

But, just for picking up my keys, I was entered into a drawing for a new MP3 player or an iPod. So, wish me luck on that. And with the new company that's taking over. Let's hope I like them just as well and the customer service doesn't change.

*jingles keys*

I have so many now. I have a feeling I'll try to open my door with my old key for the next several days, seeing as how I didn't get rid of it since it isn't completely useless.

But um… yeah… good news for those of you who didn't get their keys to my place revoked. We're now back door buddies! I know you couldn't be happier.

End Blog.

Figurative Allegorical Metaphors

I stole the following post from one of my friends from undergrad, and I didn't tell him about it. But, I'm sure he won't mind me sharing these because they are humorous, and well, he didn't come up with them either.


Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
(I understand this completely!)

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Think you've got something better? I challenge you to post something just as funny. Maybe I'll like, send you a cookie or something.

End Blog.

Good News! I Don't Have HIV

Not that there was reason to worry. But, wasn't that the sweetest blog title I've ever had?

Turns out all the blood chemistry they ran on me fell into the normal range. Although, my chloride level was exactly the top acceptable number allowable. Not that I know how bad a high chloride level would be. I mean, we need chloride ions for all sorts of biological stuff. And by all sorts of stuff I mean I only remember learning about the central nervous system using it. I don't know what happens when you have too much chloride. Guess all those years working on that bio degree really paid off, eh?

Maybe I should ask LVC for my money back. I mean, I could use the money. According to these results, I'm not going to die anytime soon.

Of course, there's always the possibility of getting hit by a bus or getting killed in some gruesome murder.

What an upbeat ending. I'm in an awfully odd mood this evening. Don't ever let me watch American Psycho ever again. I mean it. Never.

End Blog.

No Fricken Way!

Okay, so, remember how I said I missed going to see the Maple Shade Fireworks display with J? I was just informed tonight that they had dragonflies as fireworks this year. Dragonflies!!

And you should have seen how impressed I was a few years ago when I saw the smilie faces the first time - before they were so popular everywhere.

I mean... Dragonflies!

My fireworks weren't nearly as cool as that. Another reason to miss my 4th of July tradition.

Dragonflies.

How sweet is that?

End Blog.

Waiting It Out

Yes, I know that for the first time in a long time I have health insurance. And I know that I've had a somewhat persistent cough for three weeks now. But, I swear, it's finally starting to feel a little better and no… I'm not going to the doctor.

I've been told to by several people, but I really don't think that's the answer. Coughs don't just last a week like the majority of cold symptoms do, and it's the only remaining reminder that I was sick awhile back.

I read a medical study that said coughs often last three weeks - and often last a month. They also showed that antibiotics really didn't help speed up the recovery process. Antibiotics don't treat coughs. And therefore, there is nothing a doctor could do for me right now.

Even if I did go and they prescribed antibiotics, I wouldn't want to take them. I know how over prescribed they are and the whole theory about bacteria becoming resistant to them. I have a hard time with anyone getting antibiotics for colds. Even bronchitis. It doesn't do anything for you. Pneumonia, on the other hand, okay. You can have the medicine. It will actually help you. I don't have pneumonia.

So, the plan is to continue waiting. The cough is still kinda there but not nearly as bad. And studies show that it's highly likely I should still have it even after all this time. It's just that it's getting quite annoying. And I like to complain. A lot.

Complain, complain. *cough*

End Blog.

The Fireworks Aren't the Same Without You

Same colors and shapes and explosions. The same patterns and sounds.

But still, the firework displays aren't the same with you, J.

No one on Earth likes them like you do and just watching them and sharing in your joy is one of the things I'll miss the most about all of my 4th of Julys to come. That and seeing your eyes grow so big when you see the cotton candy stand in the distance.

I wish everyone could have that childlike joy you reserve for this one day.

It's the first fourth without you in some time - I hope that you know you are missed. I wish I coulda been there.

I know, sappy and emotional. But there are things you just can't move with you that are sorely missed.

End Blog.

Summer Movie Vintage Mustang Count

...is now at two.

1. The Lake House, 1967, brown
2. Superman Returns, 1966, light blue

I know that you could care less. But this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.


End Blog.