Carol of the Dogs

I've finally gone off of the deep end. I'm just forewarning you before you actually click the video below...

This started as Brenda's joke since she spent the weekend in Kansas City with me and she's really to blame for originally giving a voice to Remy. Clearly things have gotten out of hand since then. She made River sing the first line of Carol of the Bells about 600 times... with new words, of course. It got stuck in my head. I sang it 600 more times.

Occasionally we would add more words or different lines. Most of the time it was just "ham egg and cheese" over and over again. Tonight, as I should be packing, I made the video that we joked about doing all weekend. There were many different ideas and versions floating around, but this is what I settled upon. (For ease = one camera shooting without any editing.)

True, it would have been funnier to have the dogs more animated as they sang, but they were trying to nap as I... er, they... put on this performance for you.

Congrats, Nikki. You're not even 30 yet and you are already the crazy dog lady. This is why I shouldn't be left alone very often.

Aren't you glad to know me? If you think this is crazy, remember, I have to drive to Texas tomorrow... with only these dogs for company. Thank goodness they are so talkative.

To sing along, here are the words: (Forgive me, Mykola Leontovych, I know you never intended for the song to end up like this.)

River:
Ham, egg and cheese
Give me some peas
Corn dogs and beers
Dill pickle spears
Turkey and rice
Gravy's so nice
Fire grilled steak
A piece of cake

What's on your dish?
How about fish?
Hand me the bread
Oh, what a spread

Remy:
I would like some crispy bacon!
I would like some crispy bacon!

River:
To my dearest friend,
I highly recommend
That you have some wine
The last bite is mine

Remy:
Bacon! Bacon!



PS, River doesn't even like all the foods she's singing about!

Merry Christmas, everyone!


End Blog.

Puppy Picture Spam

Took some pictures with my phone of the dogs playing in the yard after work today and thought I'd share. It might have taken two years, but I think that Remy actually really does like River. I know the opposite is true.







Love them!


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TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

I was changing the sheets on my bed and River was having a Toga Party.



She's an ANIMAL!



End Blog.

Overestimated Maturity

River Monster did not grow up. She had a few shining moments followed by a path of destruction. Today she managed to get to three different areas in the living room and cause a bunch of damage. The DVDs and books, her favorites - and a new addition, she's now getting behind my desk and desamating much more important things, like my beloved charcoal pencils (I know, I haven't actually drawn anything ages) and some pictures (goodbye picture of my AP chemistry class (I'm SUCH a geek)). She also moved some tax forms... although she didn't manage to eat them.

Funny thing is, I thought I had barricaded off the section of the room behind my desk. Not well enough though. She actually pulled the electric plugs out of the wall in her efforts to squeeze by and actually unplugged the power strip leading to my computer and lights... and maybe even Carolyn's laptop. (I don't need a lecture on the dangers of fire and how many things you can plug into an outlet, okay?) This forced an improper shutdown of the new computer. Oops. I'm sorry, new computer.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

I really wanted to trust her and have her be a grown up. She's obviously not ready and will be in that muzzle for the foreseeable future, no matter how sad she appears when it's presented to her. If she doesn't shape up, it will be on her for the rest of her life. DO YOU HEAR ME, DOG!?

Maybe she's an adolescent, not a grown up. I guess we could revisit this topic again in another 6 months. I know she CAN be good... I've seen her do it before. I just don't want to have more stuff destroyed in another 6 months... maybe more like 8 months, after I get home from Hawaii...

Once again... SIGH.


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River Monster Grows Up

I don't want to jinks anything, but we've not used River's muzzle in three days. The first day was an accident because Carolyn forgot to do it when she left the house and I was already at work at that time. She found a ziploc bag that had her food in it once and ended up ripping it up. But it was the only thing she tore up... and it smelled like her food... or it might have had some of her food still left in it.

The second day, we picked up around the house and crossed our fingers. Only one bag torn up seemed pretty good. Apparently we're betting types. That day, River (probably with Remy's help) decided that she would unpack my suitcase from the recent trip to New Jersey. I came home to my clothes spread around the living room, but nothing was destroyed. Progress?

The third day, we closed the bedroom doors. Everything was perfectly how I left it when I came home. Like I said... I don't want to jinks anything when I say this, but...

I think River grew up. I think I have a dog that I can trust to not eat my house! It only took a year and a half!

I'm proud of her. She's being such a good girl.


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An Important Public Service Announcement from River

Dear bloggy people who read blogs, It's River. I'm here to save your lives.

I heard blogs were so 7 years ago, but that was on tv, and I also heard that you shouldn't believe everything on tv. So, even if blogs aren't cool, which I suspect they are not, I am writing this serious investigative journalistic piece here because it's the only way I know how to publish something to the public. Spread the word, all of you three readers out there. Tell three people who will tell three people... you know how it works.

And now the important news:

Squirrels are Terrorists

I don't know why humans don't get it. Dogs get it. We try to warn you. I have taken to announcing the terror alert level in my jurisdiction regularly. Why don't you understand?

Look, squirrels have cell phones and they are not above blowing up your house. I think there's an app for that. The only reason they do not get away with this is because of dogs like me. (And Remy, but mostly me.)

Squirrels are evil. They are plotting your death while they steal your birdseed. Why do you think they're always up in trees? They have the high ground. YOU ARE AT A DISADVANTAGE.

You don't believe me? Then why do all dogs all over the world know this universal truth? We don't talk to each other. We're not the ones with cell phones. And when we meet each other, that is not one of the pieces of information we transmit by butt scents... But that's a story for a different time.

Beware of squirrels. This is what they are capable of when you steal their cell phone from them.


(If a dog had made that commercial, it wouldn't say "cell phone karma, it's real." It would say Terrorist Squirrels Are Real.)

Just think, if squirrels can do that, what else they are capable of!!

Stay safe, humans.


River Out.
Oooo, Mom, can I go out?

A Riddle

What can run but never walks,
has a mouth but never talks,
has a head but never weeps,
has a bed but never sleeps?

Who me?

End Blog.

Puppy Picture Spam

These were all taken during a time when we were puppy sitting for Tanya and Scout and Buster were here. Four dogs is slightly too many in a house this size. But it was fun!

Scout, River's sister, being calm. She got all of the calm and none of the hyper genes, unlike River.

Remy and Scout ganging up on River in the snow.

You wants to take a photo of me, Mom? Here's my toy.

Remy sleeping. Tuckered out from all the activity going on behind her.

EXCUSE ME! WHERE AM I GOING TO SIT??

Sisters. They were attached at the shoulder for a week.

That's the happiest looking yawn, ever.

River really likes the camera. A lot.

Yay.

Puppy picture spam complete.


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Confucius Say

I realize that I still owe you pictures. I should really have more from Halloween up and now even some from Beth's Second Annual Cookie Baking Party. But, alas, I still don't have my own working camera (Dear Santa) and am too lazy to upload the ones I stole from Carolyn's.

Meanwhile, because I don't have said working camera (Hi Santa!), and I don't have a macro setting on my phone camera, you'll have to forgive the quality of the picture below.

This was hilariousness enough that I laughed out loud by myself at home, so I thought it only right that I share.

*ahem*

River has somehow been getting into trouble even with her muzzle on. She keeps getting into my garbage can by my desk and shredding the junk mail/papers that end up in there. She's done this several times now, so today when I went to work, I put it on top of my desk. Problem solved.

So I thought.

Today when I came home, I let both dogs out and then noticed once again there was some stuff ripped up in the living room. It turned out to be the box that my cell phone came in. Luckily, only the box was ripped up and the receipts that I kept inside were okay, still intact on the floor.

Then I found a small plastic wrapper and realized it must have been from a fortune cookie. Two had been on the coffee table from the night before when Carolyn and I had ordered food. Guess neither of us managed to clean them off the table, or eat them. So, River must have pulled them off the table and opened them up. Not sure who actually ate them.

Anyway, my fortune cookie suspicions were correct, because after I picked up the plastic wrapper, I found this (click for larger):

"You will have a party."

Oh, how right you are.

I laughed out loud. Good one, River. Well played.

No idea where the other plastic wrapper/cookie/fortune is. I can only imagine what that one said. Probably something like, "Destroy all evidence or you will get caught."

Sigh. I don't know what to do with this dog. The muzzle was such a good solution for so many months. I'm out of options, I think. I'm pretty sure I need to clear out some more of the bottom shelves and stuff she might be able to get to. I don't remember where my phone box was, so I'm not sure where she got it from.

Good times. I know who is on Santa's naughty list!


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River v. Cane, Battle for the Ball

I'm going to be Carl Fredricksen the 78 year old man from Pixar's Up for Halloween. Carolyn is going to be the 8 year old Wilderness Explorer, Russell, Remy will be Dug the talking dog, and Brenda will be Kevin, the exotic bird/snipe.

I tried on my costume tonight. It's going to be perfect. Totally worth every penny and hour I spent working on all of it. There will be pictures, I promise.

Meanwhile, I got my quad-footed cane and put tennis balls on the feet. River really wanted those tennis balls. I took some video for your viewing pleasure. (Don't mind Juno on the TV in the background.)

She's so adorable.


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No Idea What She's in For

River's been a crazy puppy, but now that she's getting a wee bit older, she is more calm... if infrequently. But now, lucky River, she has graduated to being tortured, just like Remy.



She's so smart looking, no?


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Toby's Not a Grumpy Old Man

Belinda is horribly mistaken about her dog, Toby. He's not a grumpy old man. He needs a puppy in his life. Look at how much fun they are having!

It's not really that bad having four dogs in the house. I wouldn't mind it if I became the crazy old dog lady. It's actually pretty entertaining.

Although, someone told me that over the course of their lifetime dogs cost, on average, $36,000. Somehow I think Remy costs way less than that and River will cost way more.

I found a muzzle for River. We're working together to make sure that she thinks the muzzle is the best thing in the entire world and means that she's getting treats. Not sure how it's all going to pan out and I still have some reservations about keeping her in it all day, however I can't think of a better solution. I know that if I spend $150 on a new plastic-type kennel, she'll undoubtedly be able to get out of that one, too. (Her sister, Scout can get out of hers like that.) And she will probably hurt her nose doing so.

So, we'll see how this works.

She didn't eat anything in the house on Friday. Not that it's improvement, but... a mini miracle. Maybe my two doggy guests kept her entertained. I'm beginning to think it's not so much separation anxiety but boredom.

We shall see... the thrills continue.

I just realized that if you're not following my pictures on Twitter, you likely didn't see what she did on Wednesday. So, I shall leave you with this, my moment of anti-zen.


Her toys were under the couch and I think she tried to go through it since she couldn't reach them. She's too smart for me. I put pillows under the couch so nothing else can get under there... and so it continues.


End Blog.


PS, the fenced in yard is fabulous! I love it so much. Thanks for all your hard work Mom and Dad.

Rage Against the Cage

After the second failed suicide attempt, I was convinced that it was best for River if I brought her kennel back out and fixed it up so that she couldn't escape. Sure, they said, she would try to escape and probably scrape up her nose again, but when she discovers that she can't get out, she will stop. So, I bought some hardware and zip ties and made the cage impossible for River to get out of. And I put her in it today.


This is that I came home to: (River was still in the cage, so at least my handiwork was suitable.)


She pulled the carpet that was underneath her kennel into the cage. Now, you might be wondering how, exactly she managed to get to the carpet...

She broke the plastic bottom liner thing. And then tore it up into some pieces.

And she BROKE the metal wire of the cage. Easy peasy! No problem getting that carpet in the cage when you're the hulk.

Here is what remains of the bottom plastic.

And here is the twisted metal cage. Seriously. She's only a 45 pound dog. I don't think that I am even strong enough to do this to the cage, even given all day.

Holy twisted metal, Batman!

And this is what happened to my carpet.

So, what I learned from this is that keeping her in the kennel is just as destructive and expensive as keeping her out of the kennel. I mean, given a couple more hours, she probably could have strangled herself on the carpet, which is, I'm sure, what her goal was in this endeavor.

I need a puppy sitter. She just gets so crazy when there are no people around and she's left 'alone'. I need a puppy psychologist for this separation anxiety.

"What? What I'd do?"

End Blog.

Dog Attempts Suicide for the Second Time

I came home from work today and found that River got into the bathroom while I was gone. There were three bags of stuff from Carolyn's apartment's medicine cabinet on the floor that hadn't quite gotten moved all the way in yet.

River decided to eat their contents, which included a razor, a bottle of acetaminophen, a toothbrush, a tube of icy hot, some cold medicine, a thermometer, and a box a q-tips. There was probably some other random stuff in there, but it wasn't recognizable by the time I got home.

I have no idea how much of the medications she ingested.

I swear this dog is trying to kill herself. I still don't think she'll make it past her first year.

She needs to be put on suicide watch. I need some people to help volunteer for her 24 hour watch. And to take away all the shoelaces...



PS - She's fine. It seems. For now. Until the next time she tries to kill herself. My next guess is strangulation.


End Blog.

Dr. Nik

I changed River's bandage tonight. It definitely takes 2 people. The cut was bloody and crusty but not actively bleeding or oozy or infected looking. She has at least 5 stitches from what I could tell, though she didn't let me look at it really well.

She was not a fan of the whole process. I think it probably hurt a bunch, but once we got her on her back with a cone on her head, she calmed down. Carolyn's head scratches and soothing sounds probably helped, because I was going, "Ooo! Ick! *sucks in breath* I'm sorry! Oh, ouchy! Stop it! I know... I know..."

But, it's changed... so, I hope we can keep it dry because this isn't something I want to have to do again if I don't have to.

Dumb dog.


End Blog.

I Do Not Like the Cone of Shame

And my paw still hurts.

Glass is stupid. Why is it so easy to break? And how can something so easy to break cut me so bad?

I hate this.


End Blog.

Suicidal Dog Slits Wrist

Tonight River took a sliding shoulder into the back door and broke the bottom pane of glass. In doing so, she managed to cut the outside of her right paw and puncture the area right near her dew claw. The laceration was clean and right to the muscle and was bleeding enough that I didn't think I'd be able to stop it myself.

I trapped her in the bathroom and tried to clean her up a bit and then taped paper towels to her paw to apply some pressure and stop the bleeding. (You know, after I stood in the bathroom for a minute staring at the medicine cabinet thinking, "I need gauze." "I don't have gauze." "I need gauze." It was a vicious cycle.)

Carolyn looked up an emergency vet and drove us there and I called Belinda to pick up Remy and take her to her house so that she didn't somehow get into the broken glass. I didn't need two cut puppies and bills to go with them. (Remy got a bath at Belinda's! How cool is that?)

When we got there, the vet cut off my make-shift bandage, looked at the wound, and bandaged her back up. Then he gave her a sedative. And it knocked her out. It also made her vomit up her dinner. She she is being really sleepy in the doctor's office.



And here is my shirt with dog blood on it. Luckily, I was in my lawn mowing getup, so I don't really care.



I think I might donate this shirt to the lab. What's not fun about dog blood on a shirt?


They gave her some stitches and bandaged her up. While she was there, I went to Lowe's to buy some stuff to fix the window. I settled on plexiglass and silicone to fix it in there, with a backup plan of plastic tarp in case I wasn't handy enough to fix it.

The bandage can't get wet and it needs to be changed if it does. If not, I have to change it every 3 days. It's starting to bother her because she keeps licking at it and limping and favoring it.

I put a latex glove over her paw to keep it dry and carried her outside because I thought she might have to pee. She turned right around a gimped herself back into the house. Then I fed her because I realized she threw up all her food earlier. She liked that, because she always likes food... and I gave her an antibiotic and some pain meds that are supposed to make her drowsy. It's kind of working, but she keeps messing with her paw.

Hopefully it will kick in soon.

Carolyn babysat her while I fixed the back door. Turns out I am awesome and managed to clean up the glass and put in a piece of plexiglass to fix it. Not sure how permanent of a fix it is, but I'm going to try to keep it for as long as I can. I'm pretty sure a new door or new glass might be really expensive.




I know, those pictures were really exciting.

Update: I took her out again and she peed and ran right back to the door. Then came in a drank a whole bowl of water. Maybe I'll set my alarm for the middle of the night to check on her.

Because this is the kind of thing she does when I'm sleeping:

(Not all the time, she just apparently didn't like Kovu's bed.)

Okay, it's late and been an eventful day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. I hope River does the same.


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Gezuntite

When you watch this, just remember that I had to first realize that she was continuously sneezing, had to find my camera, and then had to actually get it on video. There must have been like 15 sneezes before this even happened.

Wow. Ever hear that thing about how if you sneeze seven times in a row it's like having an orgasm? Lucky dog.


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Crunchy!

Beetles, beware! River has a new favorite thing - eating those of you that fly into the house at night. At first she would play with them for awhile before eating them, now she just sits down and has a snack... unless it's a remarkably big beetle. Then she plays with it forever, throws it at me and scares me half to death, and then only eats parts of it, forcing me to clean up after her.

Lucky for you, I got the best part of that story on video. Watch:

You'd have screamed too. It was a big, scary beetle. It doesn't matter that my six month old puppy wasn't afraid of it. That's not the point!


End Blog.

Pictures of My Children

Here is some more puppy picture spam. They get along much better than they used to, but Remy still gets a bit upset with River sometimes. And when she's not running away or digging holes in the yard, River is a pretty good puppy, if not a little hyper. Forgive the grainyness of some of these. I took them with my phone because my camera is in the car and I am too lazy to go retrieve it.

Are you really surprised?






Adorable!!


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