The Ultimate Bowl Game

For a long time I've been talking about how I don't think the Superbowl should be played by the two best teams in the leagues, but rather, by matching up mascots to play each other. This remains somewhat difficult if I'm restricted to stay within leagues (conferences?), but I've finally sat down and tried to figure out the best match ups that we should have the privilege of watching in Superbowl format.

Evenly matched mascots, taking on one another. This is what America really wants. Trust me. I have my finger on the pulse of America.

For example:
Titans v. Giants
Jaguars v. Panthers
Jaguars v. Lions
Ravens v. Cardinals
Ravens v. Eagles
Ravens v. Falcons
Ravens v. Seahawks
Raiders v. Buccaneers
Raiders v. Vikings
Chiefs v. Cowboys
Chiefs v. Redskins
Chiefs v. 49ers (they pushed lots of natives off of their land)
Bengals v. Lions
Texans v. 49ers (you know Texas and California really want to fight each other anyway)

Regular season games would include the following (in all combinations for multiple listings):
Colts v. Broncos v. Chargers
Falcons v. Eagles v. Cardinals v. Seahawks
Patriots v. Texans
Cowboys v. Redskins v. 49ers
Vikings v. Buccaneers
Panthers v. Lions

Some other interesting match ups may be as follows:
Texans v. Saints
Steelers v. Jets
Dolphins v. Seahawks


But really, we should get serious about this. There are several teams that don't have fair mascot rivals. So, I propose, we either eliminate these teams and vote them out of football, or create proper opposing adversaries for them.

Buffalo Bills
Miami Dolphins
Pittsburg Steelers
New York Jets
Chicago Bears
St. Louis Rams
New Orleans Saints

So, we need another very large grazing animal (unless we pair the Bills with the Redskins or Chiefs, but that doesn't seem like a very fair fight - or, alternatively, the same grazing animal, we can just name the team the Bison), another water dwelling creature (I suggest a shark), we should bring back the Oilers, get another mechanical flying machine mascot (missiles, rockets?), have another type of bear – like the Grizzlies, another small grazing animal ( like sheep or maybe a team named Aires), and a get team named the Angels and we'll be all set.

The following teams I think we should get rid of entirely:
Cleveland Browns
Green Bay Packers

These mascots were named after a guy and a sponsor, respectively. They have dumb mascots. I object.

Or, they can only play each other in the "Dumb Mascot Bowl". Because they suck.

And so, this is how it should be from now on. Then we won't have ridiculous things happening like baby horses beating the shit out of gigantic bears at the end of football season. This makes so much more sense when you think about it practically.

I am an evil genius who will revolutionize the world. Follow me.


End Blog.