Overestimated Maturity

River Monster did not grow up. She had a few shining moments followed by a path of destruction. Today she managed to get to three different areas in the living room and cause a bunch of damage. The DVDs and books, her favorites - and a new addition, she's now getting behind my desk and desamating much more important things, like my beloved charcoal pencils (I know, I haven't actually drawn anything ages) and some pictures (goodbye picture of my AP chemistry class (I'm SUCH a geek)). She also moved some tax forms... although she didn't manage to eat them.

Funny thing is, I thought I had barricaded off the section of the room behind my desk. Not well enough though. She actually pulled the electric plugs out of the wall in her efforts to squeeze by and actually unplugged the power strip leading to my computer and lights... and maybe even Carolyn's laptop. (I don't need a lecture on the dangers of fire and how many things you can plug into an outlet, okay?) This forced an improper shutdown of the new computer. Oops. I'm sorry, new computer.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

I really wanted to trust her and have her be a grown up. She's obviously not ready and will be in that muzzle for the foreseeable future, no matter how sad she appears when it's presented to her. If she doesn't shape up, it will be on her for the rest of her life. DO YOU HEAR ME, DOG!?

Maybe she's an adolescent, not a grown up. I guess we could revisit this topic again in another 6 months. I know she CAN be good... I've seen her do it before. I just don't want to have more stuff destroyed in another 6 months... maybe more like 8 months, after I get home from Hawaii...

Once again... SIGH.


End Blog.

River Monster Grows Up

I don't want to jinks anything, but we've not used River's muzzle in three days. The first day was an accident because Carolyn forgot to do it when she left the house and I was already at work at that time. She found a ziploc bag that had her food in it once and ended up ripping it up. But it was the only thing she tore up... and it smelled like her food... or it might have had some of her food still left in it.

The second day, we picked up around the house and crossed our fingers. Only one bag torn up seemed pretty good. Apparently we're betting types. That day, River (probably with Remy's help) decided that she would unpack my suitcase from the recent trip to New Jersey. I came home to my clothes spread around the living room, but nothing was destroyed. Progress?

The third day, we closed the bedroom doors. Everything was perfectly how I left it when I came home. Like I said... I don't want to jinks anything when I say this, but...

I think River grew up. I think I have a dog that I can trust to not eat my house! It only took a year and a half!

I'm proud of her. She's being such a good girl.


End Blog.

The Ultimate Madonna Quiz

I found a bunch of files that I had forgotten about when transferring stuff from old computer to new computer. One of them was *nerd alert* "The Ultimate Madonna Quiz" that I made up myself a few years ago when I had a ton of time on my hands. (Read: I had just moved to Kansas City and didn't have the stunning social life that I now lead.)

I just took it. I got a 45/50 which is a 90%. That must mean it's REALLY hard because I made the damn thing. You'd think I would know all of the answers.

How do you think you'll do? Try it out. Good luck.



1. Which of the following songs does NOT have Spanish lyrics?

A. Who’s that Girl?
B. Be Careful
C. Paradise (Not For Me)
D. Spanish Eyes


2. Which of the following songs does NOT have the word pray or prayer?

A. Who’s That Girl?
B. Cherish
C. Nothing Fails
D. Oh, Father


3. In which movie did Madonna play a character named Nikki?

A. Who’s that Girl?
B. Desperately Seeking Susan
C. Shanghai Surprise
D. Swept Away


4. In song, Madonna asks you to “Put your hands” where?

A. Right there
B. All over my body
C. On my skin
D. B and C


5. Which song does NOT reference a mother?

A. Mer Girl
B. Nothing Really Matters
C. Deeper and Deeper
D. I’d Rather Be Your Lover


6. In which song does Madonna teach us a “different way to kiss”?

A. Where Life Begins
B. Erotica
C. Justify My Love
D. Inside of Me


7. Which of the following songs never appeared on a soundtrack?

A. Die Another Day
B. This Used to be My Playground
C. Crazy for You
D. Beautiful Stranger
E. I’ll Remember


8. Which of the following words do NOT appear in a Madonna song?

A. Lucky Star
B. Little Star
C. Lost Star
D. Lonely Star


9. Which song does NOT make mention of a bird?

A. Frozen
B. Impressive Instant
C. Don’t Tell Me
D. Dear Jessie


10. Which song makes mention of a key?

A. Frozen
B. Open Your Heart
C. Keep it Together
D. All of the Above


11. Which two songs both have the lyrics "Romeo and Juliet”?

A. Cherish and Fever
B. Vogue and Like It or Not
C. Cherish and Vogue
D. Borderline and Swim


12. Which song does NOT have the words “satin sheets”?

A. Dress You Up
B. Express Yourself
C. Crimes of Passion
D. None of the above


13. Which song does NOT have the word “diamonds” in its lyrics?

A. Material Girl
B. Express Yourself
C. More
D. Rainbow High


14. Madonna must have had a mental breakdown and forgotten she had previously recorded a song with this title because on her album, Confessions on a Dance Floor, she used it for a second time.

A. Secret
B. Forbidden Love
C. Push
D. Future Lovers

15. Which song’s first lines are the spoken words “And you can dance”?

A. Into the Groove
B. Dress You Up
C. Express Yourself
D. Causing a Commotion


16. Which song does NOT have the word “fool” in it?

A. Can’t Stop
B. One More Chance
C. Rain
D. None of the above


17. The following lines precede the chorus of which song?
“There’s no reason to feel guilty,
It’s too late, now,
What’s done is done.
If you can keep it a secret, Darlin’,
We can have some fun.”

A. Crimes of Passion
B. Forbidden Love
C. I Want You
D. Nobody’s Perfect


18. Which two songs end with the sound of a rainstorm?

A. Rescue Me and Rain
B. This Used to be My Playground and One More Chance
C. Take a Bow and Secret
D. Rain and Survival


19. Which song has the following lyrics? “No end and no beginning.”

A. Power of Goodbye
B. Ray of Light
C. Like a Prayer
D. Love Won’t Wait


20. What is the title of the duet between Madonna and Mandy Patinkin?

A. White Heat
B. Be Careful
C. What Can You Lose?
D. Love Song


21. Which really lame rhyme is NOT a Madonna lyric?

A. I don’t like cities, but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork.
B. My father had to go to work, I used to think he was a jerk.
C. I drive my Mini Cooper and I’m feeling super-dooper. Yo, they tell me I’m a trooper.
D. You said we’d never part. And now you’re breaking my heart.


22. Hypothetically, let’s say Madonna took acid and then wrote a song. Which would most likely be the final product of that endeavor?

A. Dear Jessie
B. Dear Jessie
C. Dear Jessie
D. Dear Jessie


23. In the song “Swim”, where is Madonna swimming?

A. Across the Nile
B. In a pool
C. To the ocean floor
D. Near a waterfall

24. In which song does Madonna sing, “Don’t want my dreams addin’ up to nothin’”?

A. Candy Perfume Girl
B. How High
C. Crazy for You
D. I’m So Stupid

25. In which song is Madonna egotistical enough to tell us, “Better the devil that you know, your love for me will grow”?

A. You Must Love Me
B. Like It or Not
C. Love Song
D. Nobody Knows Me


26. In what song did Madonna somehow make “it through the wilderness”?

A. Survival
B. Like a Virgin
C. Borderline
D. Live to Tell


27. Finish these lyrics: “Cupid, please take your aim at me.”

A. You took a poison arrow and you aimed it at my heart.
B. Cherish the thought of always havin’ you, here by my side.
C. And help me change my destiny.
D. I know that you’re afraid that I might come steal your heart away in the night.


28. Happiness lies where?

A. In your heart
B. In memories
C. In your own hand
D. Inside of me


29. Madonna was once quoted as saying, "It’s a message song that everyone is going to take the wrong way," about what song?

A. Papa Don’t Preach
B. Oh, Father
C. Material Girl
D. What It Feels Like for a Girl


30. On her album “Confessions on a Dance Floor”, the track following “Jump” is what?

A. Don’t Tell Me
B. How High
C. Did You Do It?
D. Don’t Stop


31. What “Ain't no big deal” to say?

A. I love you still
B. I can’t get over you
C. You’re the one I’m dreamin’ of
D. I want you


32. Finish the lyric: “Slowly now we begin to move. Every breath…”

A. I fall deeper and deeper
B. I’m deeper into you
C. We’re gettin’ into the groove
D. You’ve got something to prove


33. Finish these lyrics: “I’ve had other lips. I-I-I’ve sailed a thousand ships.”

A. I’ve had other guys. I’ve looked into their eyes.
B. But I’m standing on a cloud every time you’re around.
C. But no matter where they go, you’re the one for me, Baby, this I know.
D. But you don’t even know I’m alive and this pounding in my heart just won’t die.


34. Which song opens, “Today is the last day that I’m using words”?

A. Words
B. Bedtime Story
C. Justify my Love
D. Intervention


35. Finish these lyrics: “I know where beauty lives. I’ve seen it once, I know…”

A. The womb it is
B. The one she is
C. The woman gives
D. The warm she gives


36. “Time goes by so slowly for those who wait.” According to Madonna, what should we do about it?

A. Wait. Patience is a virtue.
B. Go out. Girls just wanna have fun.
C. Stop hesitating. Those who run seem to have all the fun.
D. Remember the past when you had a mother. Then find someone to love you.


37. What are the three emotions Madonna feels for us at the beginning of “Time Stood Still”?

A. Pain, sadness and regret
B. Hope, compassion and pleasure
C. Despair, regret and tenderness
D. Love, devotion and faith


38. Which song asks “How many licks did it take?”

A. Erotica
B. Where Life Begins
C. Secret Garden
D. Thief of Hearts


39. Babyface co-wrote “Take a Bow” with Madonna and performed the backup vocals.

A. True
B. False


40. In which song does Madonna ask you to “Sing la-di-da-di”?

A. Shoo-Bee-Doo
B. Don’t Stop
C. Issac
D. Shanti-Ashtangi


41. Which song does NOT have the word “stranger” in its lyrics?

A. Crazy for You
B. Beautiful Stranger
C. Bad Girl
D. None of the Above


42. Name that tune: “I’m not the same. I have no shame. I’m on fire!”

A. Burning Up
B. Bad Girl
C. White Heat
D. Fever


43. Which person has NEVER been referred to in a Madonna song?

A. Sigmund Freud
B. Marlon Brando
C. Cleopatra
D. Al Capone


44. Name that tune: “You’re wasting time. Make up your mind. And get into the groove.”

A. Into the Groove
B. Causing a Commotion
C. Vogue
D. You Can Dance


45. Name that tune: “Express yourself, don’t repress yourself.”

A. Express Yourself
B. Like a Prayer
C. Human Nature
D. Justify my Love


46. The first line of what song is “What are you lookin’ at?”?

A. Strike a Pose
B. Vogue
C. Candy Perfume Girl
D. Dress You Up


47. “It doesn’t pay to be” one of these:

A. A thief of hearts
B. A Christian
C. A runaway lover
D. A star


48. Where did Madonna say she “Lost my reputation, bad and good”?

A. New York
B. London
C. Hollywood
D. Paris


49. Name that tune! “Why do all the things I say, sound like the stupid things I’ve said, before?”

A. I’m so Stupid
B. Skin
C. Human Nature
D. I’d Rather Be Your Lover


50. Which song asks if “you like to boogie-woogie”?

A. Hey Mister DJ
B. Beautiful Stranger
C. Ray of Light
D. Music


I'll put the answers in the reply. I know you're thrilled about this.



End Blog.

I Gots a New 'Puter

I bought a new computer. Because I wanted one.

You know how EVERYONE says that Windows 7 is so completely AWESOME? They're lying. Windows 7 tells me that I don't have permission to do, like, ANYTHING that I think I should be able to do.

Look, I know it's a really important host file, but I want to change it. You should let me. If my computer stops working, I've backed it up. LET ME CHANGE STUFF! I realize this operating system was made for the computer ignorant or technologically unsavvy masses, but come on... how the hell do I change these security settings? (Hello pot, my name is kettle.)

If I want to run a program that I think is completely safe, you should let me, even if you think that it's probably a trojan or virus or something. Yes, thank you for the warning, but really, if I'm going to be stupid enough to ignore it, you should let me. And if I get a virus, it's clearly my own damn fault. Once again, I have backed up my computer...

Sigh.

Regardless of the operating system, everything else is really pretty. And it runs so fast when you compare it to my old machine.

I've gotten most of the really important things back. Just a few I'm having trouble with... one of them being my router program. It's not NEEDED, but I really liked how I could see everyone using my network in case there was someone using it who shouldn't. It was pretty and user friendly. And I can't figure out how I had it in the first place.

The only other programs I really miss are all the photo editing and graphic ones. And all my old emails.

Other than that... Pretty.

Really really pretty.


End blog.

An Important Public Service Announcement from River

Dear bloggy people who read blogs, It's River. I'm here to save your lives.

I heard blogs were so 7 years ago, but that was on tv, and I also heard that you shouldn't believe everything on tv. So, even if blogs aren't cool, which I suspect they are not, I am writing this serious investigative journalistic piece here because it's the only way I know how to publish something to the public. Spread the word, all of you three readers out there. Tell three people who will tell three people... you know how it works.

And now the important news:

Squirrels are Terrorists

I don't know why humans don't get it. Dogs get it. We try to warn you. I have taken to announcing the terror alert level in my jurisdiction regularly. Why don't you understand?

Look, squirrels have cell phones and they are not above blowing up your house. I think there's an app for that. The only reason they do not get away with this is because of dogs like me. (And Remy, but mostly me.)

Squirrels are evil. They are plotting your death while they steal your birdseed. Why do you think they're always up in trees? They have the high ground. YOU ARE AT A DISADVANTAGE.

You don't believe me? Then why do all dogs all over the world know this universal truth? We don't talk to each other. We're not the ones with cell phones. And when we meet each other, that is not one of the pieces of information we transmit by butt scents... But that's a story for a different time.

Beware of squirrels. This is what they are capable of when you steal their cell phone from them.


(If a dog had made that commercial, it wouldn't say "cell phone karma, it's real." It would say Terrorist Squirrels Are Real.)

Just think, if squirrels can do that, what else they are capable of!!

Stay safe, humans.


River Out.
Oooo, Mom, can I go out?

A Riddle

What can run but never walks,
has a mouth but never talks,
has a head but never weeps,
has a bed but never sleeps?

Who me?

End Blog.

Puppy Picture Spam

These were all taken during a time when we were puppy sitting for Tanya and Scout and Buster were here. Four dogs is slightly too many in a house this size. But it was fun!

Scout, River's sister, being calm. She got all of the calm and none of the hyper genes, unlike River.

Remy and Scout ganging up on River in the snow.

You wants to take a photo of me, Mom? Here's my toy.

Remy sleeping. Tuckered out from all the activity going on behind her.

EXCUSE ME! WHERE AM I GOING TO SIT??

Sisters. They were attached at the shoulder for a week.

That's the happiest looking yawn, ever.

River really likes the camera. A lot.

Yay.

Puppy picture spam complete.


End Blog.

Zombie Jesus Weekend

Carolyn went home this weekend to NJ to spend the holiday with her family. Seeing as how I don't really believe there is a giant man in the sky watching out for all of human kind who sent his son to die for our sins, I thought I'd spend the weekend at home, alone, doing absolutely nothing. Maybe sleeping, watching a ton of TV, that sort of thing. Indulging mostly in the sloth sin, I wager. With some gluttony thrown in for good measure.

Turns out, I didn't really do that much. Saturday I went to the driving range and hit a bucket of balls. I was pleasantly surprised at some of my drives. True, they still don't go very far, but I actually hit some nice shots with my three wood, the most horrible club I own. I hate it and never use it because I do so poorly with it. But surprisingly I got a few good shots with it. Then I went to lunch with Troy, played some video games with him and two other friends on Xbox Live, and did some online shopping for a ball marker/hat clip combo. (I found a Mustang one, which I bought.) Then I watched some TV, ate some Taco Bueno, and decided that I would try to fix my lawnmower.

Last year the self propel stopped working, and wouldn't you know, that dang lawnmower is really hard to push around without it. And because I'm a fat ass and don't enjoy exercise, it was probably harder than it should be. Anyway, I found out that a belt had slipped off of a pulley and I put it back together. My lawnmower is now working properly! Seeing as how I completed this task at 12:30am, I promptly went to bed.

Sunday morning I went golfing at 9:45am with Troy and Adam. I like golfing with them because they are only slightly better than me and I don't feel like I'm holding anyone up. Anyway, that was super fun. It was a really nice day after the sun came out and I got a bit sunburnt. I have a really awesome watch/glove line on my left hand.

We then ate at Five Guys, which was one of the only places we could find open on Easter. Turns out a lot of people take the whole thing pretty seriously. When we got there, we were starving, and there were three police cars in the parking lot. There seemed to be some sort of domestic dispute. I really wanted to know what was going on, but I never found out. It was nice to have a show with dinner though.

I came home and did a ton of laundry. Including all the sheets from the bed. Remy had a little anal leakage problem and stunk up the whole room with her stupid anal gland. I wish that she would give me some sort of warning so I could take her to the vet or something before this disgusting explosion happens in my house, but she doesn't. She just surprises me all the time with really unpleasant smells and then doesn't even bother to help clean it up. This happened Saturday night while I was sleeping. The smell was so bad it woke me up from dead slumber.

It's a good thing I really like that dog. Maybe they smell proportional to how much you love them. That's saying a lot, then.

I was going to mow the lawn, but it conveniently rained and I didn't have to.

Monday I went to work, came home, and mowed my front lawn for the first time in 2010. Who's excited that lawnmowing season had begun??? (I'm not. Although really early spring and really late fall are the times I actually enjoy it because I'm not dehydrating with every step.)

Before

After

Before

After

So, anyway, I guess the point here is that I was way more productive than originally planned. I'm I'm quite proud (Ah, another sin!) of my mechanical repair.



Side note: It POURED this morning. Like, only rain that Missouri can produce, rain. There was hail, just not here or at work. So, I get to work and I don't want to get out of the car because although I don't have far to go, I know I'll be SOAKED by the time I get to the door. So, I climb into the backseat of my car from the driver's seat, and found an umbrella in the back. I get out, open it up, and find that it had been booby-trapped. The thing fell apart into four pieces! I couldn't even figure out exactly what happened and threw the thing away. It wasn't an umbrella! It was just pieces!

So, that was pretty hilarious. If you are the person that booby-trapped my umbrella, KUDOS TO YOU. I'm sure the whole thing was pretty hilarious to anyone other than me.


That was pretty much my weekend. I will try to blog more better in the future...


End Blog.

Closing Ceremonies

Here's all I have to say about the Olympic closing ceremonies (because I didn't get a chance to watch much of them, as it is my birthday, don't you know):

There were lumberjacks with giant inflatable beavers and giant inflatable moose. Meese? Mooses?

Ridiculous.


Also, Belinda and Troy made homemade pasta and chicken parm and a carrot cake tonight for my birthday. I have officially eaten the entire weekend. I don't need to eat for a few days, for sure.

It was a good birthday weekend. Happy 29 to me.


End Blog.

I'm Psychic, Olympics

Four years ago I started cheering for Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette (<-- Proof) because she skated to Madonna's "Like a Prayer". This year, she won bronze. She also got a lot of coverage because her mom died days before her performance, so you probably even heard of her this year (unlike last time).

She was supposed to skate an exhibition piece to Madonna's "Die Another Day", but because of her mother's death, instead skated to something from Celine Dion... because her mom liked her. And I guess the Madonna song was inappropriate given the turn of events.

This upset me greatly. She traded Madonna for Celine Dion.

Siiiiiiiiiigh.

I'm sure the other performance was much better. And it made me happy she was still using Madonna music. I hope that she sticks around and redeems herself in a couple years. I mean, I suppose I'll forgive her for this lapse in judgement. I'm sure she's not thinking clearly.

I would have loved to see the "Die Another Day" skate. Maybe another day...


End Blog.

Luge Track Equality

Everyone's heard about Nodar Kumaritashvili of Georgia who had an unfortunate accident on the luge track that ended in his death. It was pretty sucky all around for everyone. Including all of the competitors. (And me, I got pretty drunk because of that damn drinking game.)

Once they put up the walls protecting them from the steel beams, some of them were probably fine with the changes. They made the track safer, all was better.

Then they also moved the start positions. The men moved to the women's start and their speeds dropped. The German who won - his speed was just slightly over 91mph.

The women's start was moved to the junior's start, 800 feet below their original start point, where they are now entering the course into turn six. Canada's Meaghan Simister likened the new start to driving "into what is basically an ice wall."

Did you watch the women? I felt horrible for them. None of them got a good start coming into turn six. It was painful to watch. They hadn't practiced it. I was upset about the whole thing.

Germany's Tatjana Huefner won gold after the 10 curves of the Whistler track, topping out at 84 mph. I tried to find women's speeds from the 2006 games, but I couldn't. I have no idea if these speeds were much faster than normal or not. I've been complaining all week to anyone who would listen about why couldn't the ladies also start from the women's start? Why did the men and women have to have different starts after all of this, anyway?

I mean, wasn't a a man who died? Weren't most of the crashes they were showing me on my TV from other competitors MEN? Why were they punishing the women? Were they, too, really having trouble with the track? Because I haven't heard that they were. The only things I heard were complaints: that the track was shorter, that it was punishing those who were strong starters, that they felt like they were on the kiddie run. So why couldn't they start from the original women's start, where the men were?

The answer, it turns out, is considered a strength issue. Luge requires upper body strength to push off and to maneuver the sled at high speeds. Based on the assumption that women are less able to handle the hurtling speeds safely, they typically start about 200 meters down the track from the guys, and thus, go slower. Some would also say that sexism tradition plays a role. Just as women's hockey doesn't allow checking (boo), women's luge differs from men's because of concern for their well-being.

So, why then, do we get to have the same downhill and snowboard cross tracks?

Equality for all!

I will let you know, Olympics people, downhill and snowboarding were much more fun and interesting to watch than the luge this year.

Oh, Canada...


End Blog.

Women's Downhill 2010

Remember Lindsey Kildow from the 2006 Winter Olympics? Of course you don't. You haven't heard anything about her since then, even though she's competing inat least three events this year. So, let's move on. We don't need to think about Lindsey Kildow anymore. We don't have to remember the poor girl who crashed during the Women's Downhill and how I blogged all about it back then.

Instead, let's focus on this completely new girl, Lindsey Vonn, who dominated the downhill event in 2010.

What's that you say? They are the SAME WOMAN?

That's right, Lindsey went and got married and confused the heck out of me. And although she was still kinda hurt and still got a billion hours of screen time during the Olympics, she was like a new woman in her athletic performance.

Sadly, she fell during the super combined on the slaloms. It wasn't as spectacular as Kildow's crash in 2006, but Vonn did fall this year in a different event.

AFTER she won gold in the event she crashed in as Kildow in 2006.

Don't you love how I'm making it like sound she was put into the witness protection program for four years, just to come back under a new identity? In my mind, it's the only way to reconcile the new name. It confused me. A lot. And no one bothered to explain her marriage. Jerky commentators.

I blame Bob Costas.

Anyway, I still really like Lindsey Kildow and I'm still rooting for her for her last event. Lindsey Vonn who?


End Blog.

Redo: 2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 03

Okay, Blog. For historical purposes, I shall try to state some things that happened during the opening ceremonies. I doubt it will be cool. I just wanted to put down some things that I remember that were funny. This was a collaboration of me, Belinda, and Troy. I have no idea who said what... except for Troy and the pudding cup.

Memorable things:

I'm nearly certain Wanda Sykes is there. Mostly because Belinda and I just both screamed "Wanda Sykes!"

Dear 2010, you are no 1985. 1985 had actual singers, not just Auto-Tune and American Idols.

I am frightened by the giant crystal phallic things. Why does every Olympics have to scare me with something that looks like a dildo? Especially with the arms sticking out like that. These totem poles look like "the rabbit" vibrators. (I mean, so I've heard...)

Why are all these people wandering around pretending to be natives? They're the whitest people, ever. Where's Jacob Black? And what's with the super old woman? Troy: "It's like she's just wandering around looking for her pudding cup."

Troy has a real problem with the "chute" dancers bopping around in turtlenecks through the entire parade of athletes. He was sure they all must have had their own internal MP3 playing because there was no music. Isn't it weird that they do this every year, too? They did it in Beijing. They did it in Atlanta... It's weird, right?

I love the athletes from little warm countries. There are like 2 of them and they're wearing shorts. Guys, it's cold. Winter Olympics. Snow and whatnot. Put something on that isn't your bathing suit. Bermuda, I get that's all you're known for, and I do love your shorts, but you look ridiculous.

Fiddling, tap-dancing, plaid insanity. Belinda had some great things to say about it. I can't remember them.

Although... SHOES ON FIRE! Was pretty much my only response after I got over all of the plaid.

Joni Mitchell! Okay, I thought for sure Joni was dead. Um... Sorry Joni. And to all of the people watching with me, who had to confirm several times that she was, indeed, alive and singing at the Olympics. Have I mentioned we were drinking alcohol?

Slam poetry, as found on You Tube. Isn't that where they found Sarah Palin? You Tube? I'm pretty sure the 'pubs just googled "Conservative republican woman" and then threw her in the vice presidency category. That was the extent of the vetting process.

Sorry, dozed off while the old white guys were talking. This is the most boring opening ceremonies, yet. I am thoroughly disappointed, Canada. Thank goodness for the alcohol.

Maybe we should just outsource everything to China...

The Olympic flame looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. I just screamed "FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" and then ran around the room and showed everyone the superman tshirt I am wearing. These technical difficulties suck. Please hold. FOREVER.

That's all I really remember... It makes me sad it was lost.

I watched speed skating and women's freestyle moguls last night. And Luge. All of them are scary.

Speed skating - Giant blades on your feet so that you can cut someone if they try to touch you... because just touching you will make you fall over.

Moguls - Just hurts my back watching them. With the bouncing and all the knee surgeries. Why are these women putting themselves through this? Ooooouch. You know that they make ski hills that are completely smooth, right?

Luge - even with the changes, the men are still hitting 91mph. I have a question for you - if they moved the men down to the women and doubles start, can they move the women up to the men's? Hear me out! The women are lighter and usually go slower. And they start lower. Shouldn't they be given the advantage of a higher start? Like in golf - women's tees are closer to the hole - for the advantage. Seems like luge should totally be the opposite of that. --I'm just sayin'.

Okay... probably more random thoughts to come later.

I think I've forgiven blog, even though it never apologized to me. Damn inanimate objects.

End Blog.

Maybe You Should Say You're Sorry

I'm still really upset about this, Blog.

I don't know if we can still be friends.


End Blog.

Fuck you, Blogger

I hate blogger.

I had Troy and Belinda both help guest blog the opening events.

Blogger lost it.

It was awesome.

I can't even tell you how angry I am at the whole thing.

We were brilliant and funny and magrinally mean at times. And drunk from the drinking game that was created. And all of it is lost.

Such disappointment. I couldn't save it.

DAMN IT.

No wonder I never blog anymore. This is totally not making me want to.

End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 02

Total running "Tragedy" count - 6


Why the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger carrying an Olympic torch?

I forgot all about Mary Carillo. I only ever see her during the Olympics, with her deep voice and relatively boring stories. Welcome back into my life for two weeks, Mary. I will promptly forget about you soon.

Why does Apolo Ohno always wear something around his head? Does he think that he's the Karate Kid? Don't you think that Jaden Smith will have something to say about that? Or will he play him in an upcoming feature film about Apolo's life?

I just saw a commercial that had a guy with prosthetic running type feet. All they showed was his fake feet and when they panned up, Dan and I were both disappointed it wasn't a robot. Obviously we're the worst people on earth. I love us.


Below was the best guest blogging event, ever. It most likely didn't make much sense. It was most likely clearly awesome. It has been lost by the computer Gods.

I hate them.

I am sorry that this is lost. =(


Sigh... we were clearly drunk, too. I even lost count on the running tragedy count... siiiiiiigh. I am so disappointed.


End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 01

Dear Blog, It's been a long time. I know that I didn't post anything in January, but the Winter Olympics have brought me out of semi-retirement. I'll try to be better about it...

But for now - The Opening Ceremonies.

FYI, before I start, I wanted to let you know this has been turned into a drinking game. Here are the rules that Belinda and I made up:

Drink -

Rule 1:
Any announcer mentions the lack of snow in Vancouver (alternatively, if they mention the HUGE amount of snow on the East Coast).

Rule 2:
Any announcer mentions the fashion of any of the athlete's uniforms.

Rule 3:
Anytime a Mountie shows up.

Rule 4:
Anytime ANYONE mentions the Beijing Opening Ceremony.

Rule 5:
The providence "Saskatchewan" is mentioned.

Rule 6:
You recognize a famous Canadian. If others do not recognize the Canadian in question, they have to chug their drink. (This should be easy as there are only 7 famous Canadians).

Rule 7:
Nikki says "they must have been on crack when they came up with this", we will all do a shot.

Rule 8:
Anyone is suspended/flying by wires.

Rule 9:
The words "world record" are said.

And finally,
Rule 10:
If the Georgian dead Luge guy is mentioned take a drink. BUT if the words "sacrifice", "tragedy" or "horrific" are mentioned, you MUST finish your drink and pour one out for your homeys.

(We were told it was too soon for #10. Also, it's impossible to finish your drink every time they say "tragedy", because they say it like 5 times in 2 minutes. So, be careful and don't die... like he did.)

I shall post this so you know the rules. There will be more from me on this subject.

Confucius Say

I realize that I still owe you pictures. I should really have more from Halloween up and now even some from Beth's Second Annual Cookie Baking Party. But, alas, I still don't have my own working camera (Dear Santa) and am too lazy to upload the ones I stole from Carolyn's.

Meanwhile, because I don't have said working camera (Hi Santa!), and I don't have a macro setting on my phone camera, you'll have to forgive the quality of the picture below.

This was hilariousness enough that I laughed out loud by myself at home, so I thought it only right that I share.

*ahem*

River has somehow been getting into trouble even with her muzzle on. She keeps getting into my garbage can by my desk and shredding the junk mail/papers that end up in there. She's done this several times now, so today when I went to work, I put it on top of my desk. Problem solved.

So I thought.

Today when I came home, I let both dogs out and then noticed once again there was some stuff ripped up in the living room. It turned out to be the box that my cell phone came in. Luckily, only the box was ripped up and the receipts that I kept inside were okay, still intact on the floor.

Then I found a small plastic wrapper and realized it must have been from a fortune cookie. Two had been on the coffee table from the night before when Carolyn and I had ordered food. Guess neither of us managed to clean them off the table, or eat them. So, River must have pulled them off the table and opened them up. Not sure who actually ate them.

Anyway, my fortune cookie suspicions were correct, because after I picked up the plastic wrapper, I found this (click for larger):

"You will have a party."

Oh, how right you are.

I laughed out loud. Good one, River. Well played.

No idea where the other plastic wrapper/cookie/fortune is. I can only imagine what that one said. Probably something like, "Destroy all evidence or you will get caught."

Sigh. I don't know what to do with this dog. The muzzle was such a good solution for so many months. I'm out of options, I think. I'm pretty sure I need to clear out some more of the bottom shelves and stuff she might be able to get to. I don't remember where my phone box was, so I'm not sure where she got it from.

Good times. I know who is on Santa's naughty list!


End Blog.

Up Halloween

I promise I'll put up more pictures later, but here is the crew from Pixar's Up at the Halloween party. I even made Carl's house and have it hanging from the balloons in this picture. Remy went as Dug, even though she didn't quite make the picture. We had a lot going on...

If you can't tell (because my costume is SO good), I'm the old man, Carl Fredricksen. Carolyn is Russell, the Wilderness explorer (I made a couple parts of her costume) and Brenda is the bird, Kevin.

(click picture to enlarge)

I'm very proud. I walked out of this movie when I watched it in June and said, "I'm going to be that old man for Halloween!" I'm glad that I have friends who supported me. And that I was able to sneak Remy into a 'no dogs allowed' house because she was vitally important to the costume. She had a great time and was probably more social than I was!

Sadly, not many of the people at this party had actually seen the movie. Which was just sad. It's Pixar! You'll love it! So, if you haven't seen it, go BUY it on November 10th when it comes to DVD and watch it. Then, retroactively love our costumes.

As always, another great Halloween party.

I wish my digital camera was working. I have to get pictures from others. I'm going to have to get a new one, I suppose.

End Blog.

River v. Cane, Battle for the Ball

I'm going to be Carl Fredricksen the 78 year old man from Pixar's Up for Halloween. Carolyn is going to be the 8 year old Wilderness Explorer, Russell, Remy will be Dug the talking dog, and Brenda will be Kevin, the exotic bird/snipe.

I tried on my costume tonight. It's going to be perfect. Totally worth every penny and hour I spent working on all of it. There will be pictures, I promise.

Meanwhile, I got my quad-footed cane and put tennis balls on the feet. River really wanted those tennis balls. I took some video for your viewing pleasure. (Don't mind Juno on the TV in the background.)

She's so adorable.


End Blog.