I'm Psychic, Olympics

Four years ago I started cheering for Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette (<-- Proof) because she skated to Madonna's "Like a Prayer". This year, she won bronze. She also got a lot of coverage because her mom died days before her performance, so you probably even heard of her this year (unlike last time).

She was supposed to skate an exhibition piece to Madonna's "Die Another Day", but because of her mother's death, instead skated to something from Celine Dion... because her mom liked her. And I guess the Madonna song was inappropriate given the turn of events.

This upset me greatly. She traded Madonna for Celine Dion.

Siiiiiiiiiigh.

I'm sure the other performance was much better. And it made me happy she was still using Madonna music. I hope that she sticks around and redeems herself in a couple years. I mean, I suppose I'll forgive her for this lapse in judgement. I'm sure she's not thinking clearly.

I would have loved to see the "Die Another Day" skate. Maybe another day...


End Blog.

Luge Track Equality

Everyone's heard about Nodar Kumaritashvili of Georgia who had an unfortunate accident on the luge track that ended in his death. It was pretty sucky all around for everyone. Including all of the competitors. (And me, I got pretty drunk because of that damn drinking game.)

Once they put up the walls protecting them from the steel beams, some of them were probably fine with the changes. They made the track safer, all was better.

Then they also moved the start positions. The men moved to the women's start and their speeds dropped. The German who won - his speed was just slightly over 91mph.

The women's start was moved to the junior's start, 800 feet below their original start point, where they are now entering the course into turn six. Canada's Meaghan Simister likened the new start to driving "into what is basically an ice wall."

Did you watch the women? I felt horrible for them. None of them got a good start coming into turn six. It was painful to watch. They hadn't practiced it. I was upset about the whole thing.

Germany's Tatjana Huefner won gold after the 10 curves of the Whistler track, topping out at 84 mph. I tried to find women's speeds from the 2006 games, but I couldn't. I have no idea if these speeds were much faster than normal or not. I've been complaining all week to anyone who would listen about why couldn't the ladies also start from the women's start? Why did the men and women have to have different starts after all of this, anyway?

I mean, wasn't a a man who died? Weren't most of the crashes they were showing me on my TV from other competitors MEN? Why were they punishing the women? Were they, too, really having trouble with the track? Because I haven't heard that they were. The only things I heard were complaints: that the track was shorter, that it was punishing those who were strong starters, that they felt like they were on the kiddie run. So why couldn't they start from the original women's start, where the men were?

The answer, it turns out, is considered a strength issue. Luge requires upper body strength to push off and to maneuver the sled at high speeds. Based on the assumption that women are less able to handle the hurtling speeds safely, they typically start about 200 meters down the track from the guys, and thus, go slower. Some would also say that sexism tradition plays a role. Just as women's hockey doesn't allow checking (boo), women's luge differs from men's because of concern for their well-being.

So, why then, do we get to have the same downhill and snowboard cross tracks?

Equality for all!

I will let you know, Olympics people, downhill and snowboarding were much more fun and interesting to watch than the luge this year.

Oh, Canada...


End Blog.

Women's Downhill 2010

Remember Lindsey Kildow from the 2006 Winter Olympics? Of course you don't. You haven't heard anything about her since then, even though she's competing inat least three events this year. So, let's move on. We don't need to think about Lindsey Kildow anymore. We don't have to remember the poor girl who crashed during the Women's Downhill and how I blogged all about it back then.

Instead, let's focus on this completely new girl, Lindsey Vonn, who dominated the downhill event in 2010.

What's that you say? They are the SAME WOMAN?

That's right, Lindsey went and got married and confused the heck out of me. And although she was still kinda hurt and still got a billion hours of screen time during the Olympics, she was like a new woman in her athletic performance.

Sadly, she fell during the super combined on the slaloms. It wasn't as spectacular as Kildow's crash in 2006, but Vonn did fall this year in a different event.

AFTER she won gold in the event she crashed in as Kildow in 2006.

Don't you love how I'm making it like sound she was put into the witness protection program for four years, just to come back under a new identity? In my mind, it's the only way to reconcile the new name. It confused me. A lot. And no one bothered to explain her marriage. Jerky commentators.

I blame Bob Costas.

Anyway, I still really like Lindsey Kildow and I'm still rooting for her for her last event. Lindsey Vonn who?


End Blog.

Redo: 2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 03

Okay, Blog. For historical purposes, I shall try to state some things that happened during the opening ceremonies. I doubt it will be cool. I just wanted to put down some things that I remember that were funny. This was a collaboration of me, Belinda, and Troy. I have no idea who said what... except for Troy and the pudding cup.

Memorable things:

I'm nearly certain Wanda Sykes is there. Mostly because Belinda and I just both screamed "Wanda Sykes!"

Dear 2010, you are no 1985. 1985 had actual singers, not just Auto-Tune and American Idols.

I am frightened by the giant crystal phallic things. Why does every Olympics have to scare me with something that looks like a dildo? Especially with the arms sticking out like that. These totem poles look like "the rabbit" vibrators. (I mean, so I've heard...)

Why are all these people wandering around pretending to be natives? They're the whitest people, ever. Where's Jacob Black? And what's with the super old woman? Troy: "It's like she's just wandering around looking for her pudding cup."

Troy has a real problem with the "chute" dancers bopping around in turtlenecks through the entire parade of athletes. He was sure they all must have had their own internal MP3 playing because there was no music. Isn't it weird that they do this every year, too? They did it in Beijing. They did it in Atlanta... It's weird, right?

I love the athletes from little warm countries. There are like 2 of them and they're wearing shorts. Guys, it's cold. Winter Olympics. Snow and whatnot. Put something on that isn't your bathing suit. Bermuda, I get that's all you're known for, and I do love your shorts, but you look ridiculous.

Fiddling, tap-dancing, plaid insanity. Belinda had some great things to say about it. I can't remember them.

Although... SHOES ON FIRE! Was pretty much my only response after I got over all of the plaid.

Joni Mitchell! Okay, I thought for sure Joni was dead. Um... Sorry Joni. And to all of the people watching with me, who had to confirm several times that she was, indeed, alive and singing at the Olympics. Have I mentioned we were drinking alcohol?

Slam poetry, as found on You Tube. Isn't that where they found Sarah Palin? You Tube? I'm pretty sure the 'pubs just googled "Conservative republican woman" and then threw her in the vice presidency category. That was the extent of the vetting process.

Sorry, dozed off while the old white guys were talking. This is the most boring opening ceremonies, yet. I am thoroughly disappointed, Canada. Thank goodness for the alcohol.

Maybe we should just outsource everything to China...

The Olympic flame looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. I just screamed "FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" and then ran around the room and showed everyone the superman tshirt I am wearing. These technical difficulties suck. Please hold. FOREVER.

That's all I really remember... It makes me sad it was lost.

I watched speed skating and women's freestyle moguls last night. And Luge. All of them are scary.

Speed skating - Giant blades on your feet so that you can cut someone if they try to touch you... because just touching you will make you fall over.

Moguls - Just hurts my back watching them. With the bouncing and all the knee surgeries. Why are these women putting themselves through this? Ooooouch. You know that they make ski hills that are completely smooth, right?

Luge - even with the changes, the men are still hitting 91mph. I have a question for you - if they moved the men down to the women and doubles start, can they move the women up to the men's? Hear me out! The women are lighter and usually go slower. And they start lower. Shouldn't they be given the advantage of a higher start? Like in golf - women's tees are closer to the hole - for the advantage. Seems like luge should totally be the opposite of that. --I'm just sayin'.

Okay... probably more random thoughts to come later.

I think I've forgiven blog, even though it never apologized to me. Damn inanimate objects.

End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 02

Total running "Tragedy" count - 6


Why the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger carrying an Olympic torch?

I forgot all about Mary Carillo. I only ever see her during the Olympics, with her deep voice and relatively boring stories. Welcome back into my life for two weeks, Mary. I will promptly forget about you soon.

Why does Apolo Ohno always wear something around his head? Does he think that he's the Karate Kid? Don't you think that Jaden Smith will have something to say about that? Or will he play him in an upcoming feature film about Apolo's life?

I just saw a commercial that had a guy with prosthetic running type feet. All they showed was his fake feet and when they panned up, Dan and I were both disappointed it wasn't a robot. Obviously we're the worst people on earth. I love us.


Below was the best guest blogging event, ever. It most likely didn't make much sense. It was most likely clearly awesome. It has been lost by the computer Gods.

I hate them.

I am sorry that this is lost. =(


Sigh... we were clearly drunk, too. I even lost count on the running tragedy count... siiiiiiigh. I am so disappointed.


End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 01

Dear Blog, It's been a long time. I know that I didn't post anything in January, but the Winter Olympics have brought me out of semi-retirement. I'll try to be better about it...

But for now - The Opening Ceremonies.

FYI, before I start, I wanted to let you know this has been turned into a drinking game. Here are the rules that Belinda and I made up:

Drink -

Rule 1:
Any announcer mentions the lack of snow in Vancouver (alternatively, if they mention the HUGE amount of snow on the East Coast).

Rule 2:
Any announcer mentions the fashion of any of the athlete's uniforms.

Rule 3:
Anytime a Mountie shows up.

Rule 4:
Anytime ANYONE mentions the Beijing Opening Ceremony.

Rule 5:
The providence "Saskatchewan" is mentioned.

Rule 6:
You recognize a famous Canadian. If others do not recognize the Canadian in question, they have to chug their drink. (This should be easy as there are only 7 famous Canadians).

Rule 7:
Nikki says "they must have been on crack when they came up with this", we will all do a shot.

Rule 8:
Anyone is suspended/flying by wires.

Rule 9:
The words "world record" are said.

And finally,
Rule 10:
If the Georgian dead Luge guy is mentioned take a drink. BUT if the words "sacrifice", "tragedy" or "horrific" are mentioned, you MUST finish your drink and pour one out for your homeys.

(We were told it was too soon for #10. Also, it's impossible to finish your drink every time they say "tragedy", because they say it like 5 times in 2 minutes. So, be careful and don't die... like he did.)

I shall post this so you know the rules. There will be more from me on this subject.

Closing Ceremonies

The Star Men from the opening ceremonies rode bike-like vehicles during the closing ceremonies that I'm sure Dr. Seuss must have designed. Remember at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas where all the Whos in Whoville are riding around on things playing instruments and stuff? Well, they made them for the Olympics and the Star Men drove them around while the drummers just banged away.

Ripped from the pages of Dr. Seuss: The Closing Ceremonies. And you didn't believe me when I said it'd be awesome to be on something to watch these things...


End Blog.

Win or Lose, It's How You Play

Misty and Kerri won their second gold medal in beach volleyball.


It was a great game. Thrilling until the end. And then they interviewed them and both said that they're going to put the volleyball thing on hold for a while to have some babies. Not really sure why they want it to look like they've swallowed a volleyball, but I'm okay with them making babies for the next best future volleyball team, because it's not like they would request my babysitting services.

Did you see them all giddy and thanking the President during their interview? They're pretty classy. Love him or hate him, they were pretty great about representing their country with pride and humility. They really are world class. And I guess the meet and greet with the President didn't jinx their game, after all.

I won't talk about some of the runners I've seen who I think are incredibly cocky, but I would like to mention one other athlete who was amazing on camera during her interviews - Lolo Jones. Gracious and pleasant even though you knew she was completely devastated by her hurdles performance.

I certainly hope to see her again. She's the type of person who should represent the country for us all. She may not have won her race, but she's definitely a winner.


End Blog.

By Land or By Sea

There's something really odd going on. Why is it that the United States has the world's best swimmers and Jamaica has the world's best runners? That doesn't make much sense.

I am about to use statistics to prove to you why this is true. Hold on to your waterwings! My statistics are way cooler than anything you've ever learned in school. Plus, I never took a class in it, so I know what I'm talking about. Your mind is probably filled with notions from books that are just not true. Here goes:

The land area of the United States is 3,537,436 square miles (or 9,161,923 square km for those of you metrically inclined). The total length of its coastline is 12,383 miles (19,928 km).

The land area of Jamaica is 4,181 square miles (10,830 square km) and the coastline is 635 miles (1,022 km).

Therefore, we apply these "new math" equations and find:

Jamaica = 4,181 sq miles / 635 miles = 6.58 land mass to coastline ratio

United States = 3,537,436 sq miles / 12,383 miles = 285.67 land mass to coastline ratio

Thus, 285.67/6.58 = The United States population is 43 times more likely to be better runners than swimmers. Let's face it, they have that much more land to run on! Alas, they are not better runners. Maybe this is why the coastlines are so much more populated than the middle of the country.

On the other hand, Jamaica is an island. And island! Somebody better start teaching them how to swim. They have to see that they're surrounded by water. I mean, they obviously have mastered running from one end of the island to the other.

It makes no sense. And while we're on it, it DOES makes sense that China is so good at gymnastics and diving. They have more acrobats per capita than every other nation, combined.

Also, 82% of statistics are made up 47% of the time.


End Blog.

Ninja Gymnastics Saves the Day

We all know that the American women are getting screwed in their gymnastic events. But what can we do? All of gymnastics was retooled not too long ago to make the scoring more uniform and unbiased. But it's obviously not working. It seems the home team always has some sort of advantage, regardless of the fact that a judge never scores their own country's athlete.

Relax, everyone. I have a solution to this problem. You know me, always making the world a better place.

Here it is, a simple change in the rules: All athletes will have to wear the same exact style and color uniform that covers them from head to toe, including over their faces so that the judges can't figure out who they are. They will each have a unique number on their uniform which will be drawn randomly from those lottery-type machines just before the competition. Therefore, all the judges will be unbiased. I suggest black. It's slimming. The judges should all be the best in the world at judging their sport, regardless of home nation.

Problem solved. It'll be like ninja gymnastics, and that's so much cooler anyway.

Viva la ninja gymnastics!


End Blog.

Olympic Backyard Games

I love the Olympics. However, they are keeping me up past my bedtime and I have been really tired recently. Not only are they on television for slightly over four hours every night, but you can watch clips of things online any time you want, and stream some events live, as they happen. Not to mention newspapers and radio, but I try to stay away from them because they spoil you on events that haven't happened yet here in prime time because of the crazy China time difference.

That being said, I find myself watching the craziest things. Things I would not watch on tv if it weren't for the Olympics. Here is an example of things I would cruise past with my remote control:

Discus or shotput
Any sort of running in general
MEN'S field hockey (who knew this existed?)
Trampoline
Anything Equestrian (do they do anything other than make their horses walk in circles?)
Shooting
Weightlifting (Ew, did you see that elbow?)
Boxing
Badminton
Table Tennis

I've also watched all sorts of gymnastics, swimming, diving, synchronized diving, rowing, beach volleyball, volleyball, softball, high jump (which I love, why is there not more of it?) and other more conventional things. I might watch some of these things even if it weren't for the Olympics.

But, out of all of these things, I think we need to focus a bit on the trampoline. Yes, trampoline is an Olympic sport, and in 2012 they are taking away softball. Men's field hockey is a sport! I can't even wrap my head around that. I hope they were kilts.

Anyway... I was talking about trampoline.

To be eligible to compete, you must be 18. I assume this is because you have to be of legal age to sign waivers in case you fall on your neck and become a paraplegic. There can't be any other explanations since 12 16 year olds can compete in gymnastics.

These men and women are thrust nearly 30 feet into the air as they jump and complete 10 elements in their routine. This sport is basically platform diving without water. ...Except sometimes, on purpose, they land on the bed of the trampoline flat on their backs or stomachs. And they have to stop with like, one jump and not fall over. I think.

You see, the only way I've managed to watch this sport is online. And when you watch those feeds, there are no commentators. It's like they just put some cameras there and you're spying on what's going on in the venues sometimes. Other times, there seems to be a real camera person, there just isn't anyone telling you want's going on.

Mostly, I just sit here wishing that they'll jump from one trampoline to the other. I'm sure the Olympic official judges would frown upon that and disqualify the athlete, but I think it would be pretty damn cool.

Also, this whole stromotion thing is ridiculous. Stop it! There's only one person up there jumping around! Stop fucking with my pea-sized brain. It's weird and unnecessary. I hate stromotion, and I hate it's dumb name.

Televise the men's trampoline finals in prime time!


End Blog.


PS - Holy crap, they're televising the women's finals tonight. And I already watched it online without commentary. I wonder if it was better or worse that way...

I know who wins!

President Pervert

I just saw these pictures on NBCOlympics.com. They pretty much speak for themselves.

Whatcha lookin' at there, George?

"Come give daddy a hug!"

No, really. What are you doing to Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh? If they don't win women's beach volleyball now, I'm blaming you for ruining their 101 game/18 tournament winning streak. Get away from them! You're being creepy.


End Blog.

Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Beijing

First off, today has a really cool date.

Secondly - I'll be "live blogging" about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, because I still think that they would be the coolest experience EVER, should you take mushrooms or LSD or acid or something, as they are the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. That being said, this isn't really "live" because I mowed my lawn and gave Remy a bath tonight, so it was DVRed. But I AM blogging as I watch. The only other time I've ever done this was for the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.

The buildings are really cool. I think the stadium looks like a toilet bowl, but they are telling me it's a bird's nest... so, I guess we'll go with that. Also, the blue building, which I assume is the aquatics building, is way awesome.

Okay, so they started out with this really cool drum thing. Here's my problem with it: all of these drummers are dudes who look exactly the same. The uniformity might be cool to some people, but I find it irritating. Women can bang drums, too.

President Bush and Vladimir Putin are in the audience talking, instead of paying attention to the ceremony. They are like little school girls who can't stop talking and disrespect their teacher because they think the universe revolves around them... oh, wait...

The scroll painting... is blowing my mind. They're standing on the world's largest LED screen. So, it looks like giant paper that's glowing with different designs and... they are somehow drawing as well. And it can change colors. I want to make my house out of this material and have fun at Christmastime!

Now there are a hundred thousand feather dusters on the stage. Well, they are people but I am sure they dressed up as feather dusters.

So, I finally figured out the theme, which is going through the history of China. They invented paper. And printing. So, there are printing tiles moving about. I really wish I was on acid. Or weed. Or something. Obviously, I know nothing about drugs. By the way, the symbol for harmony is Chinese looks like this: *0

These tiles are moving like waves. Like drops of water on a pond. It's so amazing. I want to be one of the people in these boxes/tiles. I wonder if they can see anything or if they just know they have to stand at a certain time. Maybe they have earphones in like the drummers did and it just beeps at them when they're supposed to move. I'd like to be a part of the opening ceremonies before I die. That would be cool and I'd find out all their secrets. I could totally do it. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an athlete, but being in the opening ceremonies would be awesome. I'd totally drop some acid beforehand, too.

Oh, also, I'd just like to mention that the people in the audience watching this thing are waving around different color things that light up. It looks neat from far away, but when you see the audience up close, it looks like they're waving about glowing dildos. I'm sure China is not pleased with that thought. I bet my blog gets banded in China now.

There's something going on with oars and boats. The music is really great, but I'm not overly impressed. There's a lot of people. That's all I'm really taking away from this. China has a ton of people.

Hehe... Matt Lauer just said, "This is China's coming out party." Heh.

Oh great, now there are lots of women who all look exactly the same representing the dynasty and elegance of this country. They're in costume. Blech. I'm bored.

FIREWORKS! Oh man... commercial. You know, I'm just waiting for some really awesome fireworks. I think they forgot to show that part of China's history. And now they just skipped forward in time a couple hundred years. Shouldn't they just have a really impressive fireworks show? That could be the whole opening. I'd be happy. Speaking of, they did this thing at the beginning with fireworks that showed 29 footprints walking toward the stadium. That was neat. I'd like more of that.

People are dressed in green unitards with lights on them. I want to be one of these people for Halloween this year. Matt Lauer called them "Star Men". Someone get me a star man costume for Halloween.

PS: China invented the kite. I just learned that.

Okay, the screens that people are holding up now are super cool. You can see through them and project something onto them at the same time. People are doing Tai Chi and the energy they control is being depicted by projecting colors on the screens. And the screens on the top of the stadium have a waterfall, which looks real. I really like it. Totally cool.

They've also decided to put 2008 of everything out there to perform. 2008 star men. 2008 Tai Chi masters. Probably 2008 of whomever they stick out there next. That's a lot of people. I'm really impressed with the Tai Chi masters. They are making perfect circles and perfect lines. Any marching band I'm ever seen could probably learn something from them. Except for maybe the Cavaliers...

Okay, so, if I understand this presentation correctly, if we all do a lot of Tai Chi, then we will fix all the environmental problems we have in the world and reach harmony and prosperity. So, get on that, people. Tai Chi it up. China said so.

Three astronauts! They are showing three because China has put three astronauts in space to date. "China has a plan to put people on the moon by 2024." WHAT? We did it in 1969. That's 55 years, China. You think a lot has changed on the moon since then? What are you doing on the moon? But most importantly, can I come?

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE DEATH STAR! Oh, man, the death star turned into the Earth, and then the sun. It would have been cooler if it shot off some laser beams or something.

There are some famous Chinese pop stars or singers or something on top of the Death Star singing. It's... boring. Boo. Maybe the Death Star will blow them up. I don't like it when I have no idea what they're saying. And this chick sings REALLY high. Not a fan. Snooze. Everyone go get a snack now.

Yay! Fireworks!

Overall, pretty great opening ceremonies. Lots of color and lots of light. Totally would have been awesome on drugs. Too bad I don't do those.


End Blog (but not the last of the Olympics blogs, by far).