Redo: 2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 03

Okay, Blog. For historical purposes, I shall try to state some things that happened during the opening ceremonies. I doubt it will be cool. I just wanted to put down some things that I remember that were funny. This was a collaboration of me, Belinda, and Troy. I have no idea who said what... except for Troy and the pudding cup.

Memorable things:

I'm nearly certain Wanda Sykes is there. Mostly because Belinda and I just both screamed "Wanda Sykes!"

Dear 2010, you are no 1985. 1985 had actual singers, not just Auto-Tune and American Idols.

I am frightened by the giant crystal phallic things. Why does every Olympics have to scare me with something that looks like a dildo? Especially with the arms sticking out like that. These totem poles look like "the rabbit" vibrators. (I mean, so I've heard...)

Why are all these people wandering around pretending to be natives? They're the whitest people, ever. Where's Jacob Black? And what's with the super old woman? Troy: "It's like she's just wandering around looking for her pudding cup."

Troy has a real problem with the "chute" dancers bopping around in turtlenecks through the entire parade of athletes. He was sure they all must have had their own internal MP3 playing because there was no music. Isn't it weird that they do this every year, too? They did it in Beijing. They did it in Atlanta... It's weird, right?

I love the athletes from little warm countries. There are like 2 of them and they're wearing shorts. Guys, it's cold. Winter Olympics. Snow and whatnot. Put something on that isn't your bathing suit. Bermuda, I get that's all you're known for, and I do love your shorts, but you look ridiculous.

Fiddling, tap-dancing, plaid insanity. Belinda had some great things to say about it. I can't remember them.

Although... SHOES ON FIRE! Was pretty much my only response after I got over all of the plaid.

Joni Mitchell! Okay, I thought for sure Joni was dead. Um... Sorry Joni. And to all of the people watching with me, who had to confirm several times that she was, indeed, alive and singing at the Olympics. Have I mentioned we were drinking alcohol?

Slam poetry, as found on You Tube. Isn't that where they found Sarah Palin? You Tube? I'm pretty sure the 'pubs just googled "Conservative republican woman" and then threw her in the vice presidency category. That was the extent of the vetting process.

Sorry, dozed off while the old white guys were talking. This is the most boring opening ceremonies, yet. I am thoroughly disappointed, Canada. Thank goodness for the alcohol.

Maybe we should just outsource everything to China...

The Olympic flame looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. I just screamed "FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" and then ran around the room and showed everyone the superman tshirt I am wearing. These technical difficulties suck. Please hold. FOREVER.

That's all I really remember... It makes me sad it was lost.

I watched speed skating and women's freestyle moguls last night. And Luge. All of them are scary.

Speed skating - Giant blades on your feet so that you can cut someone if they try to touch you... because just touching you will make you fall over.

Moguls - Just hurts my back watching them. With the bouncing and all the knee surgeries. Why are these women putting themselves through this? Ooooouch. You know that they make ski hills that are completely smooth, right?

Luge - even with the changes, the men are still hitting 91mph. I have a question for you - if they moved the men down to the women and doubles start, can they move the women up to the men's? Hear me out! The women are lighter and usually go slower. And they start lower. Shouldn't they be given the advantage of a higher start? Like in golf - women's tees are closer to the hole - for the advantage. Seems like luge should totally be the opposite of that. --I'm just sayin'.

Okay... probably more random thoughts to come later.

I think I've forgiven blog, even though it never apologized to me. Damn inanimate objects.

End Blog.

Closing Ceremonies

The Star Men from the opening ceremonies rode bike-like vehicles during the closing ceremonies that I'm sure Dr. Seuss must have designed. Remember at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas where all the Whos in Whoville are riding around on things playing instruments and stuff? Well, they made them for the Olympics and the Star Men drove them around while the drummers just banged away.

Ripped from the pages of Dr. Seuss: The Closing Ceremonies. And you didn't believe me when I said it'd be awesome to be on something to watch these things...


End Blog.

Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Beijing

First off, today has a really cool date.

Secondly - I'll be "live blogging" about the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, because I still think that they would be the coolest experience EVER, should you take mushrooms or LSD or acid or something, as they are the most ridiculous thing in the entire world. That being said, this isn't really "live" because I mowed my lawn and gave Remy a bath tonight, so it was DVRed. But I AM blogging as I watch. The only other time I've ever done this was for the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.

The buildings are really cool. I think the stadium looks like a toilet bowl, but they are telling me it's a bird's nest... so, I guess we'll go with that. Also, the blue building, which I assume is the aquatics building, is way awesome.

Okay, so they started out with this really cool drum thing. Here's my problem with it: all of these drummers are dudes who look exactly the same. The uniformity might be cool to some people, but I find it irritating. Women can bang drums, too.

President Bush and Vladimir Putin are in the audience talking, instead of paying attention to the ceremony. They are like little school girls who can't stop talking and disrespect their teacher because they think the universe revolves around them... oh, wait...

The scroll painting... is blowing my mind. They're standing on the world's largest LED screen. So, it looks like giant paper that's glowing with different designs and... they are somehow drawing as well. And it can change colors. I want to make my house out of this material and have fun at Christmastime!

Now there are a hundred thousand feather dusters on the stage. Well, they are people but I am sure they dressed up as feather dusters.

So, I finally figured out the theme, which is going through the history of China. They invented paper. And printing. So, there are printing tiles moving about. I really wish I was on acid. Or weed. Or something. Obviously, I know nothing about drugs. By the way, the symbol for harmony is Chinese looks like this: *0

These tiles are moving like waves. Like drops of water on a pond. It's so amazing. I want to be one of the people in these boxes/tiles. I wonder if they can see anything or if they just know they have to stand at a certain time. Maybe they have earphones in like the drummers did and it just beeps at them when they're supposed to move. I'd like to be a part of the opening ceremonies before I die. That would be cool and I'd find out all their secrets. I could totally do it. I mean, I wouldn't want to be an athlete, but being in the opening ceremonies would be awesome. I'd totally drop some acid beforehand, too.

Oh, also, I'd just like to mention that the people in the audience watching this thing are waving around different color things that light up. It looks neat from far away, but when you see the audience up close, it looks like they're waving about glowing dildos. I'm sure China is not pleased with that thought. I bet my blog gets banded in China now.

There's something going on with oars and boats. The music is really great, but I'm not overly impressed. There's a lot of people. That's all I'm really taking away from this. China has a ton of people.

Hehe... Matt Lauer just said, "This is China's coming out party." Heh.

Oh great, now there are lots of women who all look exactly the same representing the dynasty and elegance of this country. They're in costume. Blech. I'm bored.

FIREWORKS! Oh man... commercial. You know, I'm just waiting for some really awesome fireworks. I think they forgot to show that part of China's history. And now they just skipped forward in time a couple hundred years. Shouldn't they just have a really impressive fireworks show? That could be the whole opening. I'd be happy. Speaking of, they did this thing at the beginning with fireworks that showed 29 footprints walking toward the stadium. That was neat. I'd like more of that.

People are dressed in green unitards with lights on them. I want to be one of these people for Halloween this year. Matt Lauer called them "Star Men". Someone get me a star man costume for Halloween.

PS: China invented the kite. I just learned that.

Okay, the screens that people are holding up now are super cool. You can see through them and project something onto them at the same time. People are doing Tai Chi and the energy they control is being depicted by projecting colors on the screens. And the screens on the top of the stadium have a waterfall, which looks real. I really like it. Totally cool.

They've also decided to put 2008 of everything out there to perform. 2008 star men. 2008 Tai Chi masters. Probably 2008 of whomever they stick out there next. That's a lot of people. I'm really impressed with the Tai Chi masters. They are making perfect circles and perfect lines. Any marching band I'm ever seen could probably learn something from them. Except for maybe the Cavaliers...

Okay, so, if I understand this presentation correctly, if we all do a lot of Tai Chi, then we will fix all the environmental problems we have in the world and reach harmony and prosperity. So, get on that, people. Tai Chi it up. China said so.

Three astronauts! They are showing three because China has put three astronauts in space to date. "China has a plan to put people on the moon by 2024." WHAT? We did it in 1969. That's 55 years, China. You think a lot has changed on the moon since then? What are you doing on the moon? But most importantly, can I come?

OH MY GOD, IT'S THE DEATH STAR! Oh, man, the death star turned into the Earth, and then the sun. It would have been cooler if it shot off some laser beams or something.

There are some famous Chinese pop stars or singers or something on top of the Death Star singing. It's... boring. Boo. Maybe the Death Star will blow them up. I don't like it when I have no idea what they're saying. And this chick sings REALLY high. Not a fan. Snooze. Everyone go get a snack now.

Yay! Fireworks!

Overall, pretty great opening ceremonies. Lots of color and lots of light. Totally would have been awesome on drugs. Too bad I don't do those.


End Blog (but not the last of the Olympics blogs, by far).