By Land or By Sea

There's something really odd going on. Why is it that the United States has the world's best swimmers and Jamaica has the world's best runners? That doesn't make much sense.

I am about to use statistics to prove to you why this is true. Hold on to your waterwings! My statistics are way cooler than anything you've ever learned in school. Plus, I never took a class in it, so I know what I'm talking about. Your mind is probably filled with notions from books that are just not true. Here goes:

The land area of the United States is 3,537,436 square miles (or 9,161,923 square km for those of you metrically inclined). The total length of its coastline is 12,383 miles (19,928 km).

The land area of Jamaica is 4,181 square miles (10,830 square km) and the coastline is 635 miles (1,022 km).

Therefore, we apply these "new math" equations and find:

Jamaica = 4,181 sq miles / 635 miles = 6.58 land mass to coastline ratio

United States = 3,537,436 sq miles / 12,383 miles = 285.67 land mass to coastline ratio

Thus, 285.67/6.58 = The United States population is 43 times more likely to be better runners than swimmers. Let's face it, they have that much more land to run on! Alas, they are not better runners. Maybe this is why the coastlines are so much more populated than the middle of the country.

On the other hand, Jamaica is an island. And island! Somebody better start teaching them how to swim. They have to see that they're surrounded by water. I mean, they obviously have mastered running from one end of the island to the other.

It makes no sense. And while we're on it, it DOES makes sense that China is so good at gymnastics and diving. They have more acrobats per capita than every other nation, combined.

Also, 82% of statistics are made up 47% of the time.


End Blog.

Ninja Gymnastics Saves the Day

We all know that the American women are getting screwed in their gymnastic events. But what can we do? All of gymnastics was retooled not too long ago to make the scoring more uniform and unbiased. But it's obviously not working. It seems the home team always has some sort of advantage, regardless of the fact that a judge never scores their own country's athlete.

Relax, everyone. I have a solution to this problem. You know me, always making the world a better place.

Here it is, a simple change in the rules: All athletes will have to wear the same exact style and color uniform that covers them from head to toe, including over their faces so that the judges can't figure out who they are. They will each have a unique number on their uniform which will be drawn randomly from those lottery-type machines just before the competition. Therefore, all the judges will be unbiased. I suggest black. It's slimming. The judges should all be the best in the world at judging their sport, regardless of home nation.

Problem solved. It'll be like ninja gymnastics, and that's so much cooler anyway.

Viva la ninja gymnastics!


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