Dear bloggy people who read blogs, It's River. I'm here to save your lives.
I heard blogs were so 7 years ago, but that was on tv, and I also heard that you shouldn't believe everything on tv. So, even if blogs aren't cool, which I suspect they are not, I am writing this serious investigative journalistic piece here because it's the only way I know how to publish something to the public. Spread the word, all of you three readers out there. Tell three people who will tell three people... you know how it works.
And now the important news:
Squirrels are Terrorists
I don't know why humans don't get it. Dogs get it. We try to warn you. I have taken to announcing the terror alert level in my jurisdiction regularly. Why don't you understand?
Look, squirrels have cell phones and they are not above blowing up your house. I think there's an app for that. The only reason they do not get away with this is because of dogs like me. (And Remy, but mostly me.)
Squirrels are evil. They are plotting your death while they steal your birdseed. Why do you think they're always up in trees? They have the high ground. YOU ARE AT A DISADVANTAGE.
You don't believe me? Then why do all dogs all over the world know this universal truth? We don't talk to each other. We're not the ones with cell phones. And when we meet each other, that is not one of the pieces of information we transmit by butt scents... But that's a story for a different time.
Beware of squirrels. This is what they are capable of when you steal their cell phone from them.
(If a dog had made that commercial, it wouldn't say "cell phone karma, it's real." It would say Terrorist Squirrels Are Real.)
Just think, if squirrels can do that, what else they are capable of!!
Stay safe, humans.
Oooo, Mom, can I go out?
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