Sunday, February 28, 2010

Closing Ceremonies

Here's all I have to say about the Olympic closing ceremonies (because I didn't get a chance to watch much of them, as it is my birthday, don't you know):

There were lumberjacks with giant inflatable beavers and giant inflatable moose. Meese? Mooses?


Also, Belinda and Troy made homemade pasta and chicken parm and a carrot cake tonight for my birthday. I have officially eaten the entire weekend. I don't need to eat for a few days, for sure.

It was a good birthday weekend. Happy 29 to me.

End Blog.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

I'm Psychic, Olympics

Four years ago I started cheering for Canadian figure skater Joannie Rochette (<-- Proof) because she skated to Madonna's "Like a Prayer". This year, she won bronze. She also got a lot of coverage because her mom died days before her performance, so you probably even heard of her this year (unlike last time).

She was supposed to skate an exhibition piece to Madonna's "Die Another Day", but because of her mother's death, instead skated to something from Celine Dion... because her mom liked her. And I guess the Madonna song was inappropriate given the turn of events.

This upset me greatly. She traded Madonna for Celine Dion.


I'm sure the other performance was much better. And it made me happy she was still using Madonna music. I hope that she sticks around and redeems herself in a couple years. I mean, I suppose I'll forgive her for this lapse in judgement. I'm sure she's not thinking clearly.

I would have loved to see the "Die Another Day" skate. Maybe another day...

End Blog.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Luge Track Equality

Everyone's heard about Nodar Kumaritashvili of Georgia who had an unfortunate accident on the luge track that ended in his death. It was pretty sucky all around for everyone. Including all of the competitors. (And me, I got pretty drunk because of that damn drinking game.)

Once they put up the walls protecting them from the steel beams, some of them were probably fine with the changes. They made the track safer, all was better.

Then they also moved the start positions. The men moved to the women's start and their speeds dropped. The German who won - his speed was just slightly over 91mph.

The women's start was moved to the junior's start, 800 feet below their original start point, where they are now entering the course into turn six. Canada's Meaghan Simister likened the new start to driving "into what is basically an ice wall."

Did you watch the women? I felt horrible for them. None of them got a good start coming into turn six. It was painful to watch. They hadn't practiced it. I was upset about the whole thing.

Germany's Tatjana Huefner won gold after the 10 curves of the Whistler track, topping out at 84 mph. I tried to find women's speeds from the 2006 games, but I couldn't. I have no idea if these speeds were much faster than normal or not. I've been complaining all week to anyone who would listen about why couldn't the ladies also start from the women's start? Why did the men and women have to have different starts after all of this, anyway?

I mean, wasn't a a man who died? Weren't most of the crashes they were showing me on my TV from other competitors MEN? Why were they punishing the women? Were they, too, really having trouble with the track? Because I haven't heard that they were. The only things I heard were complaints: that the track was shorter, that it was punishing those who were strong starters, that they felt like they were on the kiddie run. So why couldn't they start from the original women's start, where the men were?

The answer, it turns out, is considered a strength issue. Luge requires upper body strength to push off and to maneuver the sled at high speeds. Based on the assumption that women are less able to handle the hurtling speeds safely, they typically start about 200 meters down the track from the guys, and thus, go slower. Some would also say that sexism tradition plays a role. Just as women's hockey doesn't allow checking (boo), women's luge differs from men's because of concern for their well-being.

So, why then, do we get to have the same downhill and snowboard cross tracks?

Equality for all!

I will let you know, Olympics people, downhill and snowboarding were much more fun and interesting to watch than the luge this year.

Oh, Canada...

End Blog.

Women's Downhill 2010

Remember Lindsey Kildow from the 2006 Winter Olympics? Of course you don't. You haven't heard anything about her since then, even though she's competing inat least three events this year. So, let's move on. We don't need to think about Lindsey Kildow anymore. We don't have to remember the poor girl who crashed during the Women's Downhill and how I blogged all about it back then.

Instead, let's focus on this completely new girl, Lindsey Vonn, who dominated the downhill event in 2010.

What's that you say? They are the SAME WOMAN?

That's right, Lindsey went and got married and confused the heck out of me. And although she was still kinda hurt and still got a billion hours of screen time during the Olympics, she was like a new woman in her athletic performance.

Sadly, she fell during the super combined on the slaloms. It wasn't as spectacular as Kildow's crash in 2006, but Vonn did fall this year in a different event.

AFTER she won gold in the event she crashed in as Kildow in 2006.

Don't you love how I'm making it like sound she was put into the witness protection program for four years, just to come back under a new identity? In my mind, it's the only way to reconcile the new name. It confused me. A lot. And no one bothered to explain her marriage. Jerky commentators.

I blame Bob Costas.

Anyway, I still really like Lindsey Kildow and I'm still rooting for her for her last event. Lindsey Vonn who?

End Blog.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Redo: 2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 03

Okay, Blog. For historical purposes, I shall try to state some things that happened during the opening ceremonies. I doubt it will be cool. I just wanted to put down some things that I remember that were funny. This was a collaboration of me, Belinda, and Troy. I have no idea who said what... except for Troy and the pudding cup.

Memorable things:

I'm nearly certain Wanda Sykes is there. Mostly because Belinda and I just both screamed "Wanda Sykes!"

Dear 2010, you are no 1985. 1985 had actual singers, not just Auto-Tune and American Idols.

I am frightened by the giant crystal phallic things. Why does every Olympics have to scare me with something that looks like a dildo? Especially with the arms sticking out like that. These totem poles look like "the rabbit" vibrators. (I mean, so I've heard...)

Why are all these people wandering around pretending to be natives? They're the whitest people, ever. Where's Jacob Black? And what's with the super old woman? Troy: "It's like she's just wandering around looking for her pudding cup."

Troy has a real problem with the "chute" dancers bopping around in turtlenecks through the entire parade of athletes. He was sure they all must have had their own internal MP3 playing because there was no music. Isn't it weird that they do this every year, too? They did it in Beijing. They did it in Atlanta... It's weird, right?

I love the athletes from little warm countries. There are like 2 of them and they're wearing shorts. Guys, it's cold. Winter Olympics. Snow and whatnot. Put something on that isn't your bathing suit. Bermuda, I get that's all you're known for, and I do love your shorts, but you look ridiculous.

Fiddling, tap-dancing, plaid insanity. Belinda had some great things to say about it. I can't remember them.

Although... SHOES ON FIRE! Was pretty much my only response after I got over all of the plaid.

Joni Mitchell! Okay, I thought for sure Joni was dead. Um... Sorry Joni. And to all of the people watching with me, who had to confirm several times that she was, indeed, alive and singing at the Olympics. Have I mentioned we were drinking alcohol?

Slam poetry, as found on You Tube. Isn't that where they found Sarah Palin? You Tube? I'm pretty sure the 'pubs just googled "Conservative republican woman" and then threw her in the vice presidency category. That was the extent of the vetting process.

Sorry, dozed off while the old white guys were talking. This is the most boring opening ceremonies, yet. I am thoroughly disappointed, Canada. Thank goodness for the alcohol.

Maybe we should just outsource everything to China...

The Olympic flame looks like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. I just screamed "FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE" and then ran around the room and showed everyone the superman tshirt I am wearing. These technical difficulties suck. Please hold. FOREVER.

That's all I really remember... It makes me sad it was lost.

I watched speed skating and women's freestyle moguls last night. And Luge. All of them are scary.

Speed skating - Giant blades on your feet so that you can cut someone if they try to touch you... because just touching you will make you fall over.

Moguls - Just hurts my back watching them. With the bouncing and all the knee surgeries. Why are these women putting themselves through this? Ooooouch. You know that they make ski hills that are completely smooth, right?

Luge - even with the changes, the men are still hitting 91mph. I have a question for you - if they moved the men down to the women and doubles start, can they move the women up to the men's? Hear me out! The women are lighter and usually go slower. And they start lower. Shouldn't they be given the advantage of a higher start? Like in golf - women's tees are closer to the hole - for the advantage. Seems like luge should totally be the opposite of that. --I'm just sayin'.

Okay... probably more random thoughts to come later.

I think I've forgiven blog, even though it never apologized to me. Damn inanimate objects.

End Blog.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Maybe You Should Say You're Sorry

I'm still really upset about this, Blog.

I don't know if we can still be friends.

End Blog.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Fuck you, Blogger

I hate blogger.

I had Troy and Belinda both help guest blog the opening events.

Blogger lost it.

It was awesome.

I can't even tell you how angry I am at the whole thing.

We were brilliant and funny and magrinally mean at times. And drunk from the drinking game that was created. And all of it is lost.

Such disappointment. I couldn't save it.


No wonder I never blog anymore. This is totally not making me want to.

End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 02

Total running "Tragedy" count - 6

Why the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger carrying an Olympic torch?

I forgot all about Mary Carillo. I only ever see her during the Olympics, with her deep voice and relatively boring stories. Welcome back into my life for two weeks, Mary. I will promptly forget about you soon.

Why does Apolo Ohno always wear something around his head? Does he think that he's the Karate Kid? Don't you think that Jaden Smith will have something to say about that? Or will he play him in an upcoming feature film about Apolo's life?

I just saw a commercial that had a guy with prosthetic running type feet. All they showed was his fake feet and when they panned up, Dan and I were both disappointed it wasn't a robot. Obviously we're the worst people on earth. I love us.

Below was the best guest blogging event, ever. It most likely didn't make much sense. It was most likely clearly awesome. It has been lost by the computer Gods.

I hate them.

I am sorry that this is lost. =(

Sigh... we were clearly drunk, too. I even lost count on the running tragedy count... siiiiiiigh. I am so disappointed.

End Blog.

2010 Winter Olympic Opening Ceremonies 01

Dear Blog, It's been a long time. I know that I didn't post anything in January, but the Winter Olympics have brought me out of semi-retirement. I'll try to be better about it...

But for now - The Opening Ceremonies.

FYI, before I start, I wanted to let you know this has been turned into a drinking game. Here are the rules that Belinda and I made up:

Drink -

Rule 1:
Any announcer mentions the lack of snow in Vancouver (alternatively, if they mention the HUGE amount of snow on the East Coast).

Rule 2:
Any announcer mentions the fashion of any of the athlete's uniforms.

Rule 3:
Anytime a Mountie shows up.

Rule 4:
Anytime ANYONE mentions the Beijing Opening Ceremony.

Rule 5:
The providence "Saskatchewan" is mentioned.

Rule 6:
You recognize a famous Canadian. If others do not recognize the Canadian in question, they have to chug their drink. (This should be easy as there are only 7 famous Canadians).

Rule 7:
Nikki says "they must have been on crack when they came up with this", we will all do a shot.

Rule 8:
Anyone is suspended/flying by wires.

Rule 9:
The words "world record" are said.

And finally,
Rule 10:
If the Georgian dead Luge guy is mentioned take a drink. BUT if the words "sacrifice", "tragedy" or "horrific" are mentioned, you MUST finish your drink and pour one out for your homeys.

(We were told it was too soon for #10. Also, it's impossible to finish your drink every time they say "tragedy", because they say it like 5 times in 2 minutes. So, be careful and don't die... like he did.)

I shall post this so you know the rules. There will be more from me on this subject.